The Comic Movies of 2011

Summer is the time for the comic book movie, and next summer we get three big ones: Thor, Captain America, and Green Lantern. Thor and Captain America are from Marvel, and are particularly notable because they are crucial to piecing together the upcoming Avengers movie, which promises to be an unprecedented event (more on that later). DC’s Green Lantern is also notable because, frankly, DC needs this to do well. As it stands DC’s only successful movie franchise is the Batman movies, and that just isn’t enough. The Superman reboot was a disappointment, and I think they are waiting to see how Green Lantern does before committing to any other characters (Though I think Neil Patrick Harris in a Flash movie would be a license to print money, but that’s just me). So with 8 months or so before any of these movies come out, I’m going to put in my two cents about how I think they look.

Thor (5/6/2011)

Though I've always been interested in Norse Mythology I've never had much use for Marvel's Thor. I never really liked the idea of Gods being on the same team as mere mortals. Regardless, Thor is a longtime Avenger so it's necessary for him to be in the Avenger's movie. Of the three movies coming out next year, this one has me the most doubtful, mainly because of this picture:


It's that damn gold eye patch! My favorite depiction of Odin is Neil Gaiman's shifty grifter. I know it's dumb to expect Hollywood to tone anything down, but all these gold costumes make me wary. It just comes off as corny to me. The thing about movies about Gods or superheroes, it is very easy to resort to corniness, regardless of how good your actors are.

Right, Ralph?

So, let's look at the actors. Chris Hemsworth was good in Star Trek, and he seems like he'll be fine as Thor. Anthony Hopkins is a great actor, but I'm afraid he'll ham it up as Odin. I don't know any thing about Tom Hiddleston, but he looks like he could pass as a villainous Loki. Natalie Portman is good in everything she does though I am discouraged by Kat Denning playing her less hot, sarcastic best friend. It seems cliched to me, but we'll see. Rene Russo, who hasn't been in a movie since 2005, decided to come back to play Frigga, Thor's step mommy. Clark Gregg is back as Agent Coulson. I like this character and I'm glad to see that he's a thread that connects all the films. Finally, the great Ray Stevenson is filling the very big shoes of Volstagg. Ever since Rome I've liked Ray Stevenson. I don't care what you say, Punisher: War Zone wasn't that bad. There! I said it!

Especially if you like ham!

So I still have mixed feelings about this movie. It has a solid cast, but so has several disappointing blockbuster. Remember Troy? Yeah, it's probably best if you don't. It too had a promising cast. The thing that might save it (other than Natalie Portman being cute as a button) is the inclusion of SHIELD, and the tying into the Marvel Universe as a whole. Seriously, if Marvel pulls this off, it could be a game changer. Only time will tell.
Excitement Level: Going on a blind date with a sorority girl who may turn out to be ugly and dumb, but there's promise of group action that you just can't pass up.

Green Lantern (6/17/2011)

As I said above, DC needs this. When it comes to theatrical releases, Marvel is owning them worse than the Hulk would own Green Arrow (trust me, that's bad). Sure some people say that Christopher Nolan's Batman movies are the best superhero movies ever made, and they may be right, but that's all DC has. The thing is, they have some great characters that would make for fantastic movies, Green Lantern being one of them. At first I was disappointed that Ryan Reynolds would play Hal Jordan, thinking it should be Nathan Fillion, but after seeing the trailer, I think he'll pull it off. The thing is, Hal Jordan isn't the most liked character. He' has no real personality, cocky being his most defining characteristic. He's probably the superhero most likely to slap a woman on the ass and tell her to go cook him a steak. Ryan Reynolds has made a career of being that kind of character, but likable. Heck, he even made The Proposal bearable.

Unfortunately, you can't win them all

Even watching the trailer, I my trepidations were slightly abated when I Reynolds spoke his lines. He's just so likable. Does that sound gay? I don't care. As for the other characters, the preview just gave brief shots of Mark Strong as Sinestro and Peter Sarsgaard as Hector Hammond. Both of those guys are solid actors, even if they did look a little silly all done up. The other lanterns all look great, especially Kilowag. Blake Lively is playing the love interest, Carol Ferris. I don't understand why they insisted on hiring a blond to play a brunette. They do it all the time! It's as annoying now as it was when they made Kirsten Dunst a redhead:

Wait, what was I talking about?

The special effects look like they're going to be impressive enough. I'm worried about his costume being CGI. It makes sense, as it's generated by his ring, so it would be all glowy and stuff, but it could easily come off looking stupid. Also, I'm afraid that they're trying to cram too much into the movie. The preview showed him getting the ring, learning his powers, going to Oa, as well as some Hector Hammond business. Hopefully all this stuff fits O.K. and the movie doesn't feel rushed.
Excitement Level: Going on a blind date with an aspiring actress. You know things are going to look awesome, but it may turn out to be a crazy and confusing time.

Captain America: The First Avenger (7/22/2011)

This movie is the one I know the least about, but have the highest expectations for. This movie has the potential to be very good. First of all, it will be set during WW2 and is about a skinny little nerd who volunteers to be experimented on for his country. Also it addresses the creation of SHIELD, including Nick Fury and Howard Stark. Throw in the fantastic Hugo Weaving as the villain Red Skull, this could be a fantastic movie. Or it could be crap. It depends how seriously they take it. I hope they don't decide to make the WW2 scenes all slick and CGI as tends to the case with comic book movies. If they instead make it a good war movie that happens to star a super human soldier, the movie will be much better for it. I'm thinking make it like Band of Brothers but Captain Winters is a super powered badass.
So what about the casting? I was doubtful when I heard Chris Evans would be playing Steve Rogers, but to be perfectly honest, none of the other names that were thrown around sounded that good either. John Krasinski? Dane Cook? Nope. Though it is weird that the guy who played Johnny Storm is going to play Captain America, I am all for completely forgetting that movie even existed. Besides, Chris Evans was the best part of that movie. In fact, he's pretty much the best part of every movie he's in; Not Another Teen Movie, Losers, Sunshine and Scott Pilgrim versus the World, he was the best part of all of them. So I like Chris Evans a lot, that might seem gay (sorry Ryan), but it's not.

There's nothing gay about any of this.

So what about the other cast? I already mentioned Hugo Weaving. He's plays a great villain and I trust him not to ham up Red Skull too much. Speaking of ham, I'm hoping Tommy Lee Jones wants to forget his Two Face roll as much as the rest of us, he'll probably be solid in this too. As will Samuel Jackson and Stanley Tucci. Hey! Neal McDonough (from Band of Brothers) will be Dum Dum Dugan! He'll keep them on track! Score!
We know how it's going to end. Rogers gets frozen and thawed out in present day to form the Avengers. Again, I hope this movie is good just so the Avengers movie will work. It will be tricky. It has to be patriotic without being cheesy. So the jury really is still out on this one. My hopes are up, but years of disappointment just won't let them get too high. We shall see.

Excitement Level: Going on a date with a girl who all your friends have nothing but nice things to say about, and from a distance she looks awesome, but you know she was involved in a pretty nasty four-way that she'd rather forget about.

Further Evidence...

While searching the web I found a few funny pictures which support my theories from a few weeks ago about classic video game characters. Now, I realize that photoshopped pictures one finds on the internet aren't necessarily canon, but it does show that my theories have some merit. Mainly, that Mario is a prideful son of a bitch, and Luigi is envious. The following is a facebook conversation that illustrates this:


I don't doubt that Mario would treat Luigi like this. It's only a matter of time before Luigi finally snaps:

XKCD movie!!!

I wish!

Cracked.com has a weekly photo-shop contest where they give a theme and people submit their photo-shopped entries. This week, for example, the theme is "If Every Website Got A Dramatic Movie Adaptation", in reference to The Social Network. A few of them were pretty funny, and while this one isn't the winner, it made me really sad that this movie will never actually exist. I think it could exist and it could be hilarious!


Congratulations, BRWombat, you successfully broke my heart.

You Probably Won't Like Turtles Forever, But You MIght

I absolutely loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was growing up. I watched the cartoon religiously, and once I got my hands on $5.24, I was down at KB Toys buying a new action figure. When the movies came out I was a child obsessed, It was pure magic to me. Everything about the movies were cool to me.

In retrospect, not so much...

But, as most people do, I grew up. I stopped paying attention to the cartoons. My action figures met their grisly fates taped to M-80's. My TMNT RPG books became yard sale fodder. And I saw the 3rd movie through eyes unclouded by the unquestionable worship only a child can feel and saw it for the silly crapfest it was. As the years went by, the Ninja Turtles never went away, but I just stopped caring. I was always peripherally aware of new toy lines or cartoons, but never went out of my way to learn more. I did, however, get a chance to enjoy the original comics, which I really enjoyed. The series started out as a parody of the dark and gritty Ninja comics of the 80's, particularly Frank Miller's Daredevil. How it became the childish marketing juggernaut it is today is beyond me, but it did.

So gritty...

I did recently watch the computer animated TMNT movie and not hate it. It was a fun little action movie. There was some pre-existing storylines (Shredder is dead but has a daughter?) that proved that the current animated series has been busy. I've never had much interest in the current series because it just looked like it was trying to be too sleek and bad-ass. While this may have in fact been a return to the original spirit of the characters, they weren't my turtles so I just didn't care.
A few months ago, a friend of mine told me about Turtles: Forever, a made for t.v. movie where the Turtles from the original series are teleported to the universe of the new series, hijinks ensue. I was intrigued by this concept so I put it on my netflix queue. I wasn't that intrigued, so it wasn't #1, and I kept putting movies and series ahead of it, but it eventually made it to the top, and I watched it yesterday.
Throughout the first three quarters of the movie, I was mildly entertained. It mainly served as a vehicle to poke fun at the campiness of the 80's cartoon series. The old school turtles constantly annoy the modern ones by endlessly cracking jokes and obsessing over pizza. What I found odd was the one who cracked the most jokes (by far) was old school Raphael. I remember him being the bad ass of the group, even back then, so this struck me as odd. Perhaps my 7 year old's interpretation of bad ass is a bit different from my current one. I did like the interactions between old school Shredder with modern Shredder. He really was an incompetent bungler back then, wasn't he?

"Tonight I dine on turtle soup!"? Puh-leeease!

Well, the plot eventually unveils itself to be surprisingly unoriginal. [POSSIBLE SPOILERS] So there's a TMNT multiverse and Shredder decides that the only way to truly rid himself of those pesky Turtles is to destroy the source, or "Turtle Prime". I actually rolled my eyes at this. I watched Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths recently, and it had the exact same plot. Well it was the trip to "Turtle Prime" that turned out to be a real treat. It's a black and white world inhabitted by the surly, constantly narating turtles from the original comic. It turned out to be a nice little tribute to the original comic and it's creators Eastman and Laird. The final scene made the whole movie worth it.

I find I can't really grade this movie like I normally would. For the most part, I thought it was pretty lame save. a few clever tributes and observations. Will you like it? Well if you liked the original cartoon or the comics than this is worth checking out. If you feel like you can't watch something this "uncool", turn it into a drinking game or something. Drink every time someone says cowabunga or pizza. Take a shot every time Raphael makes a joke, if you dare, but don't say I didn't warn you.

7 Classic Video Game Characters and the Deadly Sin They Represent

Video games are naturally evil, and by extension, they bring out the evil in anyone who plays them. The Grand Theft Auto series alone is responsible for 89% of violent crime since 1987.* As technology progresses as do the opportunities for gamers to live out their most diabolical fantasies. These days, gamers have entire virtual worlds to in which they can perfect their evil before unleashing them on the real world.

The true face of evil

The evil impact of video games is not a new phenomenon. In fact, video games have been a sinister influence from the very start. In fact, some of the most beloved classic video game characters actually represent the most evil aspects of humanity:

Link - Lust

Link has starred in many games, across many different platforms. Because of this, his character design and origins have changed significantly over the years. What has never really changed however, is that he is an adolescent boy that sets off on a dangerous quest that is centered around a beautiful Princess named Zelda. Now I know a little something about being an adolescent boy, having been one for 29 years, and the only reason that boy is going to go on such a huge quest, facing unspeakable horror and danger at every turn, is if he thinks he's going to get laid at the end. Sure, there's usually something threatening the space time continuum, or all life as we know it, but that's neither here nor there. When it comes down to it, you know he's in it for the nookie.

Mega Man - Greed

Sure, there are a lot of games where you have to collect coins or rings or other treasure, and you could argue those characters are greedy. Mega Man, however, is after much bigger swag: souls. The media would have you believe that the villains Mega Man hunts down are robots, and robots don't have souls. Don't buy it. Mega Man systematically hunts down anyone else in the world like himself, destroys them, and eats their souls to gain their powers. One power isn't enough for Mega Man, nor is having a robot dog buddy, he has to have all the powers.

You - Gluttony

Sure, there are video game characters whose powers are based on eating like Kirby or Pacman, but they eat because it's their best tool against the forces of evil. Also, Kirby would never eat dozens of ducks just for the fun of it, but you would, wouldn't you? Seriously, how many ducks do you need to shoot? The ten you could bag in just one level seems like it should satiate one person, but it's not enough for you, is it? You just keep going, keep shooting duck after duck after duck Every duck you see you have to shoot. Don't lie and say you have a big family to feed. Even if you're Italian, your family can't be big enough to justify killing a hundred ducks on one hunting trip. Did you know ducks mate for life? Yeah, they do! You better eat every last bite, you gluttonous sonuvabitch!

Mario - Pride

Look at that smug bastard. Even his baseball bat has his damn symbol on it. He refers to himself and his brother as the super Mario brothers! What is that about? I don't buy for a second that their last name is Mario. No, Mario is a cocky glory hog. His name is part of over 50 game titles. He has put his name on golf, racing, tennis, and even Olympic games. Being a plumber wasn't good enough for him so for a while in the nineties he donned a lab coat and made everybody call him Doctor Mario (though I am pretty sure he never went to med school). Everything always has to be about him. Everyone in his life is just one more tool to validate his greatness. Even his relationship with Peach is a sham. I'm willing to bet that he pays Bowser to kidnap Peach every year or two just so he has another excuse to go on a huge quest, rescue her, and show everyone how awesome he is (again). No, Mario is controlled by his vanity, and what's worse, we as a culture completely buy his hype, which must be even more frustrating for...

Luigi - Envy

Poor Luigi, always living in his brother's shadow. The brother in the Super Mario Brothers that isn't Mario. Whereas Mario's name shows up in over 50 titles, Luigi's shows up in 4 (3 of which are actually Mario & Luigi...). Luigi is the ultimate second fiddle even though he is taller, skinnier, and a better jumper than his brother. Even his girlfriend Daisy is a footnote who is only trotted out to have more characters in party games. Luigi will never be in the spotlight (or Peach's panties) as long as his brother is around.

Donkey Kong - Sloth

Well, it seems that that crazy gorilla named Donkey has the same need to kidnap pretty ladies as the next gorilla. But he doesn't really know what to do with her once he has her. Either that, or he just can't be bothered. When a hammer wielding plumber comes a knocking, Donkey barely lifts a finger. Well, he does lift some barrels, but that is it. He has no intention of getting off his hairy ass and being more proactive, he's content to keep lobbing barrels and hope for the best. (Spoiler alert: He lost). Eventually he did get his own platform game on SNES. The plot? Donkey is content to sit around his island with his giant pile of bananas. When that pile gets stolen, however, he has to get off his ass to find it. Along the way, he finds several animals to ride:

Yeah, cause a rhino is so much faster and more agile than a gorilla. No, Donkey just got tired of walking. Cause he's so laaaazy!

Pacman - Wrath

I mentioned Pacman during the gluttony bit, and yes it's true that the game is all about eating all the pellets. But Pacman eats because it's his only way to escape these hellish mazes. Pacman is all about getting home to his wife and her sexy bow so he eating is just the means to an end. Pacman has a two jobs to do, eat the pellets and stay alive. Those fucking ghosts do their best to make those jobs as hard as possible. That's why the only time Pacman strays from his task is right after he eats a power pellet. Once those ghosts are vulnerable, fuck the pellets, fuck getting home to his wife/twin sister, Pacman is out for revenge. He will hunt them down relentlessly. He even gets bonus points for consecutive kills. I bet those ghosts taste like shit, but revenge sure is sweet.


*Rough estimation

Peter & Uncle Ben

This is great...

Watching Superman/Batman: Apocalypse

Over the past decade or so Marvel and DC have been producing an increasing number of animated movies that go straight to DVD. As a comic book fan, I look forward to these movies because they are usually adaptations of story lines that would otherwise never make it into a feature film. I’m not entirely sure how appealing these movies are to viewers who do not follow comics, however, and it was pretty obvious in the early dvd’s that the creator’s weren’t either. Honestly, the quality of these movies is pretty hit or miss, and in the beginning there were a lot more misses than hits. I feel like they do keep getting better, and there seems to be a lot more production value put into them. DC in particular has put out a couple of pretty good ones recently, a couple of which I want to talk about later.
Right now, however, I have Superman/Batman Apocalypse in my blu ray player all ready to go. This just came out today so I don’t really know much about it. I know that it is adapted from a story line written by Jeph Loeb with are by the late, great Michael Turner. (I thought he was great anyways... he was often criticized for mainly drawing half naked, half starved ladies...)

It’s not not true...

Ok let’s begin. [Probably spoilers ahead!] First of all, I guess this is a sequel to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies. I thought that one was pretty disappointing, so let’s hope this is an improvement.

This opening sequence is fun. Kevin Conroy! Yes! There may be a debate about who played the best Batman on screen (I vote for Christian Bale, I never really bought Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne), but there is not contest for the voice of Batman. Kevin Conroy is Batman as far as I’m concerned. Tim Daly is back as Superman, which is good. As is Susan Eisenberg as Wonder Woman. A nice Justice League reunion thing going on. Summer Glau? She can do crazy, can she do Supergirl?

Actually, she can do whatever she wants

Not a big fan of the character designs here. You can tell they’re trying to emulate Michael Turner’s style, so they get bonus points for effort, I guess.

Why would GCPD ever think blimps are a good idea? They are floating bombs just waiting for some psychotic clown to drive it into a building.

Yay Krypto!

Ed Asner is back as Granny Goodness, a fantastic role for him. I like the design of her and the Female Furies. I am enjoying this fight scene right now. I’m not sure who the woman in white is, but I recognize the others from Supeman: the Animated Series. I’ve always had a thing for Lashina for some reason. Maybe it turns out I’m into bondage or what not...

Note to self: investigate that further...

Shopping montage? Really?

The fight against the Doomsdays was pretty boring. In fact, this whole thing is boring me a little. Maybe it’s because I know the story already. Now our heroes are on Apocalypse, and the action is picking up. OK, the Parademons look like Koopa Troopas to me so it’s hard to take them seriously. I guess no one ever takes them seriously, them being Darkseid’s cannon fodder and all.

Barda and Wonder Woman versus the Female Furies is turning out to be the best action sequence so far. Meanwhile it’s Batman + jetpack versus giant dogs. Whoops! He’s eaten! Batman’s dead! Spoiler!

Blood, swears and scantily clad women? Earlier, I was going to talk more about the primary audience of these movies, but it’s getting pretty obvious that it’s not children. It’s not that this is an x rated gore fest by any means (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but it does have a pretty dark and adult feeling to it. So if it’s not meant to get children into comics, then it’s obvious that it’s directed towards older fans who already into comics and know the stories and characters. I mean, how many people really know who Big Barda is? Also, judging from the amount of animated female flesh being shown, it seems like it might more directed at males than females. So, I ask again, just how widespread an audience is DC hoping for here. Male comic book fans may be extremely vocal on the internet, but it’s becoming pretty clear you can’t rely on them alone.

Well, the ending was fun. I enjoyed Batman's confrontation with Darkseid, as well as the final battle on the Kent farm. I was particularly amused when Darkseid grinned and grabbed Superman's cape. I have to say that there was some very impressive action. If that's the main reason you watch these movies, then go ahead and give this a watch. Overall the story was just O.K., but you may enjoy it more if you are unfamiliar with the original comics.

Final Grade: B

P.S. The Green Arrow Showcase is pretty good. I've never liked Green Arrow as a character, not even in Justice League Unlimited. He always comes off as one-note and preachy. I liked him in this. "Sorry I'm late. You ever try changing clothes in a Hybrid?" I thought that was funny. Of course he drives a Hybrid...