Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I Suck. Here's Another Movie I Saw at the Theaters

X-Men Origins: Wolverine B-

I always hate when someone brings up the Spiderman movies. Inevitably someone says to me, "you must love them because you're a Spiderman fan." And then I punch them in the face. 

Let's get something straight once and for all. If a person is a fan of a comic book character, is does not mean that he/she will automatically enjoy the movie adaptation. In fact, it's usually the opposite. I don't really like the Spiderman movies. As for Wolverine, I've always liked the character in the comics. I think High Jackman is the best person to play him and I think he did a great job. The Weapon X / Team X stories are some of my personal favorites, I've even gone so far as to buy novelizations of Team X stories just because it involves Maverick, Wraith, Sabertooth, and my personal favorite, Deadpool. I love Deadpool! I also love Ryan Reynolds. You know another one of my favorite characters? Gambit. He was in the movie too! Wowsers! I must have loved this sonuvabitch!!!!

Wrong. I did not love it. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. It had some potential, but the story was kinda weak and had some pretty gaping plot holes. Like Paris Hilton's hoo-hoo gaping.

I apologize for that imagery, but the whole reasoning and  planning behind getting Logan to volunteer becoming an unstoppable killing machine then spending the rest of the movie trying to kill the unstoppable killing machine just didn't make much sense. Maybe I expect too much from my evil government conspirators. Also, a bullet to a healing brain is definitely going to erase your memory. It's a fact.

I don't even want to talk about Deadpool or Gambit. Don't get me started on those too. Seriously, don't. OK I'll say one thing, Deadpool is "The Merc With A Mouth"!!!  A mouth!!!  Don't sew it shut FOR NO RAISIN!!  And he's not Baraka!!

I did enjoy the action scenes and seeing some of the cameos. I will repeat that Hugh Jackman makes a great Wolverine. I actually liked Liev Schreiber as Sabertooth better than Tyler "Growling Equals Acting" Mane. Ryan Reynolds was good when he was briefly on screen and had a fucking mouth!! 

OK so I'm done. Wolverine gets a B - . I don't have a nickname. That was a dumb idea.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Even More Movies I've seen in Theaters in 2009

Adventureland. Grade: B - 

I think a large draw of this movie would be nostalgia factor for people who were in their late 20's in the late 80's. At best I was 8 in the eighties and I didn't have a crappy job at a crappy amusement park were I mainly focused on getting drunk, high, and laid. In fact, I was a pretty clueless 8 year old and was only focusing on one of those things.
What can I say about Adventureland that the word "meh" doesn't already convey? It was entertaining. The comedy duo of Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader made me laugh a few times, but the rest of the movie, not so much. When it comes down to it, it's a love story. Yawn! The main guy was was nerdy and likable and the Twilight Girl is still biting her lip and banging dudes who are way to old for her...
So the fact that I don't have a lot to say about this movie says something about it. I enjoyed it at the time but it wasn't very memorable. For those of you born around 1970 this might ring a nostalgic bell. For the rest of you, it will just make you want to get high at an amusement park.
Super witty nickname: I'd Vent Her, Man!

Terminator: Salvation. Grade: B -  (Super Special Katie Grade: C -)

I loved Terminator. I really liked Terminator 2. I watched Terminator 3 all the way through. I was psyched for Terminator: Salvation. Not only does this movie address the history (future) behind the war against the machines, it brings in Christian "Bad-Ass" Bale! And you're in luck, Dear Reader, he uses his Batman voice!!! Hoorah!!!*
  So I gave you Katie's grade because she is not a fan of Terminator or robot fighting like I am so she had a much lower opinion of this movie than I did. Frankly, If you don't like big fights in post-apocalyptic settings than you could skip this, as there is not much else. The thing about the whole time-travel, John Connor messiah set-up is that it wasn't met to last four movies. Seriously, it was a cool idea for an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in 1984 but it was an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in 1984!! Arnold is an unstoppable robot from the future sent back to kill mom of Johnny Connor only to be confronted from Kyle Reese from future who only succeeds in conceiving little Johnny. The apparent plot holes in the first movie were blissfully ignored because is was an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in 1984!! Then sequels happened and it turns out that Terminator makes no fucking sense! This movie even actually tells you to ignore the time travel stuff and you should probably do that. Look! Explosions!


I gotta talk about some stuff that you may not want to read if you are psyched to see this movie. First of all, the dude who signs something for Cyberdyne and then is killed only to come back in the future? He's a robot! BUM BUM BUUUMMMMM!!! Not only that, but he is the single most important part of Skynet's (super artificial intelligence in charge of all machines) new awesome plan to rid the world of that pesky John Connor. It turns out to be the most needlessly complex and asinine plan ever. Honestly, Skynet, you disappoint me. You want to kill John Connor, You know he wants to find Kyle Reese. You know Kyle Reese will thwart you in the past and become John's daddy. So you're plan is to make a stealth robot who doesn't know he's a robot to befriend Kyle, get him kidnapped by you so John will come to you, using your stealth robot to help John in so you can kill him? You have John's daddy, KILL HIM! SHOOT HIM BURN HIM SQUISH HIM DROWN HIM GAS HIM STAB HIM DEPRESS HIM SO HE KILLS HIMSELF! DON'T USE HIM AS BAIT! ONCE HE IS DEAD JOHN IS DEAD! GOD!


My point is, if you don't think about it too hard, this is a fun movie. There are some neat ideas and fun scenes but the plot itself is a little weak.
Super witty nickname: I got nothing. Honestly, I'm ashamed of that I'd Vent Her business...


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Movies I have seen in the theater in 2009 so far. (Part 1)

2009 has been a decent year so far. I have been to the movies six times which means I have spent about forty eight dollars on tickets and roughly sixteen million dollars on snacks. I have decided to share with you, dear reader, what I think about these movies. If you have seen them than you can argue with me all you want (though I warn you now, you will be wrong). If you haven’t seen them, maybe this will help you decide which ones to rent. Probably not, but whatever. Do what you want.
Because I am a teacher I will give each movie a letter grade based on the A – F plus minus system. A means awesome, F means fuck you give me my money back. Actually I have no F’s on this list. I am somewhat careful about what I’m going to go to the theaters to see. So here is my list from worst to best. Here are the first two:

Race to Witch Mountain. Grade: D

First of all, I want to point out that I was a chaperone on a school field trip where we went to Ben & Jerry’s and went to a movie. Race to Witch Mountain is what we saw. It was either this or Knowing and honestly, the quality of Nic Cage’s movies has an indirect proportion with the length of his hair, and his hair was pretty long in Knowing so no thanks. As for Witch Mountain, Disney can suck my ass. They make such crap nowadays. They only reason their animated movies are still good is because they bought Pixar. Seriously, they are the Yankees of the movie industry.
I loved Escape to Witch Mountain as a little Tristram so I was interested in this one. The only reason it didn’t get an F was because of the fuckin Rock. I love that guy and I think he’s a decent actor. The rest of the movie was crap. Why do directors think that they can fool us into thinking action is going on by just shaking the camera? You have no idea what you’re looking at so it must be an impressive action scene. That’s such amateur bullshit and it gives me a headache. Also, the kids in it are two beautiful Aryan specimens that are slightly more sexualized than kids that age have any right to be. What do you expect from the company that brought us Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers? Seriously, I don’t want to watch that shit. If Mickey Mouse were real he would be arrested as a pedophile.
My advice to you is to not let nostalgia talk you into paying money for this. I guess if you have a Dwayne Johnson collection this is a must have, but to the rest of you, stay away.
Super witty nickname: Race to Bitch Mountain!

The Watchmen. Grade: C+ ( B + as an adaptation, however)

I can not say enough about The Watchmen graphic novel. Seriously it’s a must-read for everybody. Go buy it right now and read it then give it to your grandmother. That book is one of the best pieces of literature out there, period. The movie, however, not so much. Snyder tried really hard to stay true to the book, and he succeeded to a fault. There were a lot of parts in the movie that were just corny because they were directly from the book. You have to admire that part of the film, but as a whole, the film just didn’t work that well. I thought Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan were awesome, and I thought Patrick Wilson was O.K. as Night Owl. What killed me was the Silk Spectre. She is the emotional center of the book, but Malin Ackerman was just cast for tits and ass. Oh and you see all that, in the most awkward sex scene ever! The action scenes were brutal which is cool, but enough with the slow motion shit. Other than in the first Matrix and any John Woo movie, slow motion in action scenes is a cliché substitute for real action. It’s as annoying as shaky cameras and actors on wires.
I do have to say that the ending in the movie actually made more sense than the ending in the book. I give them credit for that. This was never going to be that good of a movie, we all knew that. They never should have made it but Hollywood has to make money somehow.
super witty nickname: The Crotchmen!
I know it's only two movies so far and I apologize, dear reader. It's taking me longer than I thought and I am a busy man. I have seen seven movies in the theater so far so you have five more to look forward to. Hopefully I can finish them this weekend. But I will play disc golf when I can so suck it up.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Because I'm Too Drunk To Write A Lot

I'm on vacation. It's Friday night. If you think about it too hard, those too statements nullify each other. No worries, I'm still determined to get drunk. Wait, but you may say "Tristram, you are at your in-laws, not going out, and earlier in the night your father in law lectured you on drinking too much and how fat you've gotten. Maybe you should lay off tonight." As always, fair reader, you are the brilliant voice of reason, but in the words of Jacques Cousteau when asked not to go into the ocean: "Fuck that shit!" (Note: He probably definitely said that).

So I'm kind of pretty drunk, but trying not to open my mouth for fear of revealing that I haven't in fact been nursing one beer for four hours (I hide the empties behind the dryer). So I shall rant and babble via internets. "But Tristram" injects the ever helpful reader "you have nothing to say!". So true, so true, you unseen genius, but the internets do and I shall steal from them and occasionally insert my own stinky brand of humor.
First of all, I need to feel good about myself. I have gained 30 pounds in the last two years, I live with my parents, and one of my toenails is just plain weird. Where better to feel better about yourself than failblog.org. Or, if your lazy Manofest posted this. Now, you can scroll through all 99 pics if you want, but I will share some of my faves here.

This is how my night would probably be going if Katie and I went out dancing:

I do not understand what kind of dance moves either of them are trying to pull off here. The dude looks like the Big Y though...

This one is just gross. Though I am impressed by the timing:

I used to think Venus Fly Traps were cool:

This one should be considered a success for the advertisers:

hahahahahahaha! (I hate kids)

Feel better about yourself? I sure do! "But Tristram" pipes in that delightful reader who's kinda getting on my nerves "It was a beautiful day and you didn't go frisbee golfing. In faact you haven't been in over a week."
This is true, asshole reader, but (un)luckily I saw this picture today so I have no desire to go near a frisbee ever again:

Oh, Donald MacArthur, you manimal! Well, that's just gross isn't it reader? Well it can't bring be down. Nothing can bring me down ever again because my penis has been imortalized. Hell yeah bitches!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'm out of ideas, but so is America.

Those few of you who were mildly entertained by this blog last summer may have noticed that I have not posted anything since September. I have a laundry list of things I could blame this inactivity on, but it all comes down to me being lazy and easily distracted by shiny things. I initially going to apologize to you, the reader, the whole me not writing anything, but fuck that! Does Hollywood apologize when they show a few tantalizing episodes of Lost then leave you hanging for weeks? NO! Do awesome bands like System of a Down apologize for not putting out a new album for years? NO! Does Lindsay Lohan apologize for not flashing her crotch to cameras for a couple of days?NO!

Great art takes time and we aint got no time America! We want to be entertained now! The average American television viewer is like a little fat kid who will scarf down Grandma's cottage cheese jello concoction just because there's just nothing better available. You know what? Grandma's just gonna keep serving you that shit because she thinks you like it. Man up and demand a proper dessert, like pie.

So what is the average American television viewer scarfing down? Well last weeks most watched shows on DVR are:

10 - CSI (I am dramatically taking off my sunglasse as I type this)
9 - Criminal Minds (what?)
8 - Desperate Housewives (More like Desperate Housewhores! Get it?)
7 - Heroes (I hear it's gotten better... I stopped watching...)
6 - 24 (another full day of Jack Bauer not using the bathroom)
5 - Office (ok, I like this show)
4 - House (You do know he's British, right?)
3 - American Idol (Hey, at least it's not #1)
2 - Grey's Anatomy (That shows so boring I can't even make a joke about it)
1 - American Idol (Oh no they didn't!)

Simon Cowell is a sneaky bastard! How did they make the list twice? I'll tell you how. You, America! You eat that shit up.

I will admit that American Idol was a cool idea. 10 FUCKING YEARS AGO! The first season was something new and different, and Kelly Clarkson was kinda hot, but they dragged it on and on and turned it into something that has no significance.None of the winners ever amount to anything.

---------------(We're #1! Also #3 for some reason!)---------------

Wait Tris, what about that chick who won an oscar, Jennifer Hudson. She came in 8th place! She's good enough for the academy, but not Simon, Paula and Rowlf the Dawg!

I'm not calling you stupid or anything if you like these shows. I honestly have never watched House or 24 or any of these shows really. I watch Office and I used to watch Heroes. Even Office has run its course in my opinion. These shows are usually pretty good for a season or two and then get stale. But no one will let them die! The Brits have a two year limit on their shows and sometimes thats a good idea.
OK I'm done. I've got nothing else...