Friday, April 24, 2009

Because I'm Too Drunk To Write A Lot

I'm on vacation. It's Friday night. If you think about it too hard, those too statements nullify each other. No worries, I'm still determined to get drunk. Wait, but you may say "Tristram, you are at your in-laws, not going out, and earlier in the night your father in law lectured you on drinking too much and how fat you've gotten. Maybe you should lay off tonight." As always, fair reader, you are the brilliant voice of reason, but in the words of Jacques Cousteau when asked not to go into the ocean: "Fuck that shit!" (Note: He probably definitely said that).

So I'm kind of pretty drunk, but trying not to open my mouth for fear of revealing that I haven't in fact been nursing one beer for four hours (I hide the empties behind the dryer). So I shall rant and babble via internets. "But Tristram" injects the ever helpful reader "you have nothing to say!". So true, so true, you unseen genius, but the internets do and I shall steal from them and occasionally insert my own stinky brand of humor.
First of all, I need to feel good about myself. I have gained 30 pounds in the last two years, I live with my parents, and one of my toenails is just plain weird. Where better to feel better about yourself than Or, if your lazy Manofest posted this. Now, you can scroll through all 99 pics if you want, but I will share some of my faves here.

This is how my night would probably be going if Katie and I went out dancing:

I do not understand what kind of dance moves either of them are trying to pull off here. The dude looks like the Big Y though...

This one is just gross. Though I am impressed by the timing:

I used to think Venus Fly Traps were cool:

This one should be considered a success for the advertisers:

hahahahahahaha! (I hate kids)

Feel better about yourself? I sure do! "But Tristram" pipes in that delightful reader who's kinda getting on my nerves "It was a beautiful day and you didn't go frisbee golfing. In faact you haven't been in over a week."
This is true, asshole reader, but (un)luckily I saw this picture today so I have no desire to go near a frisbee ever again:

Oh, Donald MacArthur, you manimal! Well, that's just gross isn't it reader? Well it can't bring be down. Nothing can bring me down ever again because my penis has been imortalized. Hell yeah bitches!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'm out of ideas, but so is America.

Those few of you who were mildly entertained by this blog last summer may have noticed that I have not posted anything since September. I have a laundry list of things I could blame this inactivity on, but it all comes down to me being lazy and easily distracted by shiny things. I initially going to apologize to you, the reader, the whole me not writing anything, but fuck that! Does Hollywood apologize when they show a few tantalizing episodes of Lost then leave you hanging for weeks? NO! Do awesome bands like System of a Down apologize for not putting out a new album for years? NO! Does Lindsay Lohan apologize for not flashing her crotch to cameras for a couple of days?NO!

Great art takes time and we aint got no time America! We want to be entertained now! The average American television viewer is like a little fat kid who will scarf down Grandma's cottage cheese jello concoction just because there's just nothing better available. You know what? Grandma's just gonna keep serving you that shit because she thinks you like it. Man up and demand a proper dessert, like pie.

So what is the average American television viewer scarfing down? Well last weeks most watched shows on DVR are:

10 - CSI (I am dramatically taking off my sunglasse as I type this)
9 - Criminal Minds (what?)
8 - Desperate Housewives (More like Desperate Housewhores! Get it?)
7 - Heroes (I hear it's gotten better... I stopped watching...)
6 - 24 (another full day of Jack Bauer not using the bathroom)
5 - Office (ok, I like this show)
4 - House (You do know he's British, right?)
3 - American Idol (Hey, at least it's not #1)
2 - Grey's Anatomy (That shows so boring I can't even make a joke about it)
1 - American Idol (Oh no they didn't!)

Simon Cowell is a sneaky bastard! How did they make the list twice? I'll tell you how. You, America! You eat that shit up.

I will admit that American Idol was a cool idea. 10 FUCKING YEARS AGO! The first season was something new and different, and Kelly Clarkson was kinda hot, but they dragged it on and on and turned it into something that has no significance.None of the winners ever amount to anything.

---------------(We're #1! Also #3 for some reason!)---------------

Wait Tris, what about that chick who won an oscar, Jennifer Hudson. She came in 8th place! She's good enough for the academy, but not Simon, Paula and Rowlf the Dawg!

I'm not calling you stupid or anything if you like these shows. I honestly have never watched House or 24 or any of these shows really. I watch Office and I used to watch Heroes. Even Office has run its course in my opinion. These shows are usually pretty good for a season or two and then get stale. But no one will let them die! The Brits have a two year limit on their shows and sometimes thats a good idea.
OK I'm done. I've got nothing else...