Tuesday, October 5, 2010

7 Classic Video Game Characters and the Deadly Sin They Represent

Video games are naturally evil, and by extension, they bring out the evil in anyone who plays them. The Grand Theft Auto series alone is responsible for 89% of violent crime since 1987.* As technology progresses as do the opportunities for gamers to live out their most diabolical fantasies. These days, gamers have entire virtual worlds to in which they can perfect their evil before unleashing them on the real world.
The true face of evil

The evil impact of video games is not a new phenomenon. In fact, video games have been a sinister influence from the very start. In fact, some of the most beloved classic video game characters actually represent the most evil aspects of humanity:

Link - Lust
Link has starred in many games, across many different platforms. Because of this, his character design and origins have changed significantly over the years. What has never really changed however, is that he is an adolescent boy that sets off on a dangerous quest that is centered around a beautiful Princess named Zelda. Now I know a little something about being an adolescent boy, having been one for 29 years, and the only reason that boy is going to go on such a huge quest, facing unspeakable horror and danger at every turn, is if he thinks he's going to get laid at the end. Sure, there's usually something threatening the space time continuum, or all life as we know it, but that's neither here nor there. When it comes down to it, you know he's in it for the nookie.

Mega Man - Greed
Sure, there are a lot of games where you have to collect coins or rings or other treasure, and you could argue those characters are greedy. Mega Man, however, is after much bigger swag: souls. The media would have you believe that the villains Mega Man hunts down are robots, and robots don't have souls. Don't buy it. Mega Man systematically hunts down anyone else in the world like himself, destroys them, and eats their souls to gain their powers. One power isn't enough for Mega Man, nor is having a robot dog buddy, he has to have all the powers.

You - Gluttony
Sure, there are video game characters whose powers are based on eating like Kirby or Pacman, but they eat because it's their best tool against the forces of evil. Also, Kirby would never eat dozens of ducks just for the fun of it, but you would, wouldn't you? Seriously, how many ducks do you need to shoot? The ten you could bag in just one level seems like it should satiate one person, but it's not enough for you, is it? You just keep going, keep shooting duck after duck after duck Every duck you see you have to shoot. Don't lie and say you have a big family to feed. Even if you're Italian, your family can't be big enough to justify killing a hundred ducks on one hunting trip. Did you know ducks mate for life? Yeah, they do! You better eat every last bite, you gluttonous sonuvabitch!

Mario - Pride
Look at that smug bastard. Even his baseball bat has his damn symbol on it. He refers to himself and his brother as the super Mario brothers! What is that about? I don't buy for a second that their last name is Mario. No, Mario is a cocky glory hog. His name is part of over 50 game titles. He has put his name on golf, racing, tennis, and even Olympic games. Being a plumber wasn't good enough for him so for a while in the nineties he donned a lab coat and made everybody call him Doctor Mario (though I am pretty sure he never went to med school). Everything always has to be about him. Everyone in his life is just one more tool to validate his greatness. Even his relationship with Peach is a sham. I'm willing to bet that he pays Bowser to kidnap Peach every year or two just so he has another excuse to go on a huge quest, rescue her, and show everyone how awesome he is (again). No, Mario is controlled by his vanity, and what's worse, we as a culture completely buy his hype, which must be even more frustrating for...

Luigi - Envy
Poor Luigi, always living in his brother's shadow. The brother in the Super Mario Brothers that isn't Mario. Whereas Mario's name shows up in over 50 titles, Luigi's shows up in 4 (3 of which are actually Mario & Luigi...). Luigi is the ultimate second fiddle even though he is taller, skinnier, and a better jumper than his brother. Even his girlfriend Daisy is a footnote who is only trotted out to have more characters in party games. Luigi will never be in the spotlight (or Peach's panties) as long as his brother is around.

Donkey Kong - Sloth
Well, it seems that that crazy gorilla named Donkey has the same need to kidnap pretty ladies as the next gorilla. But he doesn't really know what to do with her once he has her. Either that, or he just can't be bothered. When a hammer wielding plumber comes a knocking, Donkey barely lifts a finger. Well, he does lift some barrels, but that is it. He has no intention of getting off his hairy ass and being more proactive, he's content to keep lobbing barrels and hope for the best. (Spoiler alert: He lost). Eventually he did get his own platform game on SNES. The plot? Donkey is content to sit around his island with his giant pile of bananas. When that pile gets stolen, however, he has to get off his ass to find it. Along the way, he finds several animals to ride:

Yeah, cause a rhino is so much faster and more agile than a gorilla. No, Donkey just got tired of walking. Cause he's so laaaazy!

Pacman - Wrath
I mentioned Pacman during the gluttony bit, and yes it's true that the game is all about eating all the pellets. But Pacman eats because it's his only way to escape these hellish mazes. Pacman is all about getting home to his wife and her sexy bow so he eating is just the means to an end. Pacman has a two jobs to do, eat the pellets and stay alive. Those fucking ghosts do their best to make those jobs as hard as possible. That's why the only time Pacman strays from his task is right after he eats a power pellet. Once those ghosts are vulnerable, fuck the pellets, fuck getting home to his wife/twin sister, Pacman is out for revenge. He will hunt them down relentlessly. He even gets bonus points for consecutive kills. I bet those ghosts taste like shit, but revenge sure is sweet.

*Rough estimation

1 comment:

Roger M said...

Great post!!