2009 has been a decent year so far. I have been to the movies six times which means I have spent about forty eight dollars on tickets and roughly sixteen million dollars on snacks. I have decided to share with you, dear reader, what I think about these movies. If you have seen them than you can argue with me all you want (though I warn you now, you will be wrong). If you haven’t seen them, maybe this will help you decide which ones to rent. Probably not, but whatever. Do what you want.
Because I am a teacher I will give each movie a letter grade based on the A – F plus minus system. A means awesome, F means fuck you give me my money back. Actually I have no F’s on this list. I am somewhat careful about what I’m going to go to the theaters to see. So here is my list from worst to best. Here are the first two:
Race to Witch Mountain. Grade: D
First of all, I want to point out that I was a chaperone on a school field trip where we went to Ben & Jerry’s and went to a movie. Race to Witch Mountain is what we saw. It was either this or Knowing and honestly, the quality of Nic Cage’s movies has an indirect proportion with the length of his hair, and his hair was pretty long in Knowing so no thanks. As for Witch Mountain, Disney can suck my ass. They make such crap nowadays. They only reason their animated movies are still good is because they bought Pixar. Seriously, they are the Yankees of the movie industry.
I loved Escape to Witch Mountain as a little Tristram so I was interested in this one. The only reason it didn’t get an F was because of the fuckin Rock. I love that guy and I think he’s a decent actor. The rest of the movie was crap. Why do directors think that they can fool us into thinking action is going on by just shaking the camera? You have no idea what you’re looking at so it must be an impressive action scene. That’s such amateur bullshit and it gives me a headache. Also, the kids in it are two beautiful Aryan specimens that are slightly more sexualized than kids that age have any right to be. What do you expect from the company that brought us Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers? Seriously, I don’t want to watch that shit. If Mickey Mouse were real he would be arrested as a pedophile.
My advice to you is to not let nostalgia talk you into paying money for this. I guess if you have a Dwayne Johnson collection this is a must have, but to the rest of you, stay away.
Super witty nickname: Race to Bitch Mountain!
The Watchmen. Grade: C+ ( B + as an adaptation, however)
I can not say enough about The Watchmen graphic novel. Seriously it’s a must-read for everybody. Go buy it right now and read it then give it to your grandmother. That book is one of the best pieces of literature out there, period. The movie, however, not so much. Snyder tried really hard to stay true to the book, and he succeeded to a fault. There were a lot of parts in the movie that were just corny because they were directly from the book. You have to admire that part of the film, but as a whole, the film just didn’t work that well. I thought Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan were awesome, and I thought Patrick Wilson was O.K. as Night Owl. What killed me was the Silk Spectre. She is the emotional center of the book, but Malin Ackerman was just cast for tits and ass. Oh and you see all that, in the most awkward sex scene ever! The action scenes were brutal which is cool, but enough with the slow motion shit. Other than in the first Matrix and any John Woo movie, slow motion in action scenes is a cliché substitute for real action. It’s as annoying as shaky cameras and actors on wires.
I do have to say that the ending in the movie actually made more sense than the ending in the book. I give them credit for that. This was never going to be that good of a movie, we all knew that. They never should have made it but Hollywood has to make money somehow.
Because I am a teacher I will give each movie a letter grade based on the A – F plus minus system. A means awesome, F means fuck you give me my money back. Actually I have no F’s on this list. I am somewhat careful about what I’m going to go to the theaters to see. So here is my list from worst to best. Here are the first two:
Race to Witch Mountain. Grade: D
First of all, I want to point out that I was a chaperone on a school field trip where we went to Ben & Jerry’s and went to a movie. Race to Witch Mountain is what we saw. It was either this or Knowing and honestly, the quality of Nic Cage’s movies has an indirect proportion with the length of his hair, and his hair was pretty long in Knowing so no thanks. As for Witch Mountain, Disney can suck my ass. They make such crap nowadays. They only reason their animated movies are still good is because they bought Pixar. Seriously, they are the Yankees of the movie industry.
I loved Escape to Witch Mountain as a little Tristram so I was interested in this one. The only reason it didn’t get an F was because of the fuckin Rock. I love that guy and I think he’s a decent actor. The rest of the movie was crap. Why do directors think that they can fool us into thinking action is going on by just shaking the camera? You have no idea what you’re looking at so it must be an impressive action scene. That’s such amateur bullshit and it gives me a headache. Also, the kids in it are two beautiful Aryan specimens that are slightly more sexualized than kids that age have any right to be. What do you expect from the company that brought us Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers? Seriously, I don’t want to watch that shit. If Mickey Mouse were real he would be arrested as a pedophile.
My advice to you is to not let nostalgia talk you into paying money for this. I guess if you have a Dwayne Johnson collection this is a must have, but to the rest of you, stay away.
Super witty nickname: Race to Bitch Mountain!
The Watchmen. Grade: C+ ( B + as an adaptation, however)
I can not say enough about The Watchmen graphic novel. Seriously it’s a must-read for everybody. Go buy it right now and read it then give it to your grandmother. That book is one of the best pieces of literature out there, period. The movie, however, not so much. Snyder tried really hard to stay true to the book, and he succeeded to a fault. There were a lot of parts in the movie that were just corny because they were directly from the book. You have to admire that part of the film, but as a whole, the film just didn’t work that well. I thought Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan were awesome, and I thought Patrick Wilson was O.K. as Night Owl. What killed me was the Silk Spectre. She is the emotional center of the book, but Malin Ackerman was just cast for tits and ass. Oh and you see all that, in the most awkward sex scene ever! The action scenes were brutal which is cool, but enough with the slow motion shit. Other than in the first Matrix and any John Woo movie, slow motion in action scenes is a cliché substitute for real action. It’s as annoying as shaky cameras and actors on wires.
I do have to say that the ending in the movie actually made more sense than the ending in the book. I give them credit for that. This was never going to be that good of a movie, we all knew that. They never should have made it but Hollywood has to make money somehow.
super witty nickname: The Crotchmen!
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I know it's only two movies so far and I apologize, dear reader. It's taking me longer than I thought and I am a busy man. I have seen seven movies in the theater so far so you have five more to look forward to. Hopefully I can finish them this weekend. But I will play disc golf when I can so suck it up.
