Because I'm Too Drunk To Write A Lot

I'm on vacation. It's Friday night. If you think about it too hard, those too statements nullify each other. No worries, I'm still determined to get drunk. Wait, but you may say "Tristram, you are at your in-laws, not going out, and earlier in the night your father in law lectured you on drinking too much and how fat you've gotten. Maybe you should lay off tonight." As always, fair reader, you are the brilliant voice of reason, but in the words of Jacques Cousteau when asked not to go into the ocean: "Fuck that shit!" (Note: He probably definitely said that).

So I'm kind of pretty drunk, but trying not to open my mouth for fear of revealing that I haven't in fact been nursing one beer for four hours (I hide the empties behind the dryer). So I shall rant and babble via internets. "But Tristram" injects the ever helpful reader "you have nothing to say!". So true, so true, you unseen genius, but the internets do and I shall steal from them and occasionally insert my own stinky brand of humor.

First of all, I need to feel good about myself. I have gained 30 pounds in the last two years, I live with my parents, and one of my toenails is just plain weird. Where better to feel better about yourself than failblog.org. Or, if your lazy Manofest posted this. Now, you can scroll through all 99 pics if you want, but I will share some of my faves here.

This is how my night would probably be going if Katie and I went out dancing:

I do not understand what kind of dance moves either of them are trying to pull off here. The dude looks like the Big Y though...

This one is just gross. Though I am impressed by the timing:

I used to think Venus Fly Traps were cool:

This one should be considered a success for the advertisers:

hahahahahahaha! (I hate kids)

Feel better about yourself? I sure do! "But Tristram" pipes in that delightful reader who's kinda getting on my nerves "It was a beautiful day and you didn't go frisbee golfing. In faact you haven't been in over a week."

This is true, asshole reader, but (un)luckily I saw this picture today so I have no desire to go near a frisbee ever again:

Oh, Donald MacArthur, you manimal! Well, that's just gross isn't it reader? Well it can't bring be down. Nothing can bring me down ever again because my penis has been imortalized. Hell yeah bitches!