Lo!

A little while ago I was skimming through the list of instantly watchable movies on netflix.com and feeling pretty disappointed about my options when I came across this move called Lo. It was given 4 stars by users (which is pretty high for netflix) which intrigued me. It was labeled simultaneously horror, comedy, and romance. I like comedy, romance makes me a little nauseous, and horror makes me hide under the blankets. I was intrigued, but the wife was not, so Lo was ignored.

Recently, the wife got very sick and was stuck on the couch. We had to watch something to pass the time but nothing looked good. Time to summon Lo. The wife was falling asleep anyway...

So the movie starts out with a man in a dark room lit by only five candles that he uses in a ritual to summon a demon named Lo. Apparently the man's girlfriend was recently abducted by demons and he tries to command Lo to find and rescue her. Lo, however, seems more interested in eating him.

"I will now baptize you as Dinner."

"My name is Justin!"

"Dinner, you have to stop living in the past."

It was the witty dialog that really carried this film, which is a good thing because that's pretty much all there is. Watching this movie is like watching a play (I wouldn't be surprised if it was a play first). Of the three genres mentioned above, I would say the most prevalent one is comedy. A lot of the humor is pretty dark, but it is also pretty funny. Lo is creepy looking, and the atmosphere is grim, but I wouldn't call this a horror. There is a romantic element but this aint no Notebook. It turns out to be a rather poignant and philosophical look at love and the nature of creatures that are incapable of it.

I really enjoyed this movie, and despite an obviously low budget, this movie had strong performances, a compelling mystery, and a clever little twist that you'll probably figure out now that I informed you of its existence (who am I kidding? You would have got it anyway, you are so smart!).

It is very possible that you won't like this one, but I did. I was going to give it a B+, but because I really want to watch it again, I'm bumping it up to an A-.

Scott Pilgrim!

OK so I am officially stoked for the Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World movie that comes out in August. I just watched the trailer and it makes me very excited. But I am a big fan of Scott Pilgrim. Who's Scott Pilgrim? The titular star of a series of comics by Bryan Lee O'Malley. I love these books. They are smart and funny and I would probably lend them to you if my dang brother-in-law would stop hogging them.

The main plot of the books is pretty simple. Scott finds the girl of his dreams (literally) but has to defeat her 7 evil exes. Scott himself is a lovable loser who seems to have a pretty charmed life. (One of my favorite lines from the books is "Scott if your life had a face, I would punch it. I would punch your life in the face." The five books that have been printed have established an extensive cast, 6 exes down, and a pretty compelling mystery about Ramona's true relationship with Gideon (#7). The sixth book is due out in July (a month before the movie? How conveeeeeniant.) and I can't wait to snatch it up.

But what about the movie? Well it looks like it covers the material from the five published books. My first fear is that this is a lot of material to cover in one movie. That's true for all book to movie projects, I guess, and these books are pretty quick reads. Also, the movie was made before the sixth (and final?) book was published so it pretty much guarantees a sequel.

OK so they cast Michael Cera as Scott Pilgrim. When Superbad came out I was psyched that George Michael Bluth was branching out into movies, until I realized that it was literally the same character in every single movie. I had my reservations about Cera in this role. Scott is often in over his head, whether it be battles with robots or normal conversation, but he is not mousy and under spoken like Cera seems to always be. Scott Pilgrim is actually very confident and somewhat sarcastic. The clips of him in the preview give me hope though. I didn't see a single stutter and or whimper, so I am hopeful.

How about Mary Elizabeth Winstead? There's not much I can say about her because my wife reads this, but let's just say I'm excited that she is Ramona. Also, Anna Kendrick. So hot. Maybe they'll kiss...

Speaking of lesbians, I am very pleased to see Ann Veal (her?) make an appearance as Roxy Richter. Chris Evans will be perfect as Lucas Lee! (But will he be perfect for Captain America? That's a question for another time. probably maybe). And Jason Schwartzman as Gideon? Gold.

None of that matters though because the movie is being directed by Edgar Wright. This man has yet to let me down. He directed Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and the television series Spaced. All of these programs were fantastic. Now, this will be his first real project without Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, and two do bring a lot to the table. But I think Wright has a great timing and really knows how to put together an action sequence, which is what this movie promises to deliver.

So I have moved from being cautiously optimistic about this movie to being really excited about it. This is dangerous territory for me, but fuck it! There aren't really any other movies coming out this year that I'm that excited for. Iron Man 2 could be fun, as could Clash of the Titans, but who knows.

If you want to watch the trailer, you can watch it here.

Birthday Photo Shoot

This video was taken on Katie's birthday, 2010. Apparently we got group photos taken right outside Holocene, the bar we were at. I do not really remember this happening, but there is video evidence.

I really suck. Do over!

it's 2010 and I didn't finish that movies of 2009 thing, and I'm not gonna. I'm not a reviewer. When a set a task like that for myself I over think it then avoid it. It was a dumb idea any way. I'll write what I want to write. I know I have lost your trust dear reader, but I will try to earn it back. Maybe.

I Suck. Here's Another Movie I Saw at the Theaters

X-Men Origins: Wolverine B-

I always hate when someone brings up the Spiderman movies. Inevitably someone says to me, "you must love them because you're a Spiderman fan." And then I punch them in the face. 

Let's get something straight once and for all. If a person is a fan of a comic book character, is does not mean that he/she will automatically enjoy the movie adaptation. In fact, it's usually the opposite. I don't really like the Spiderman movies. As for Wolverine, I've always liked the character in the comics. I think High Jackman is the best person to play him and I think he did a great job. The Weapon X / Team X stories are some of my personal favorites, I've even gone so far as to buy novelizations of Team X stories just because it involves Maverick, Wraith, Sabertooth, and my personal favorite, Deadpool. I love Deadpool! I also love Ryan Reynolds. You know another one of my favorite characters? Gambit. He was in the movie too! Wowsers! I must have loved this sonuvabitch!!!!

Wrong. I did not love it. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. It had some potential, but the story was kinda weak and had some pretty gaping plot holes. Like Paris Hilton's hoo-hoo gaping.

I apologize for that imagery, but the whole reasoning and  planning behind getting Logan to volunteer becoming an unstoppable killing machine then spending the rest of the movie trying to kill the unstoppable killing machine just didn't make much sense. Maybe I expect too much from my evil government conspirators. Also, a bullet to a healing brain is definitely going to erase your memory. It's a fact.

I don't even want to talk about Deadpool or Gambit. Don't get me started on those too. Seriously, don't. OK I'll say one thing, Deadpool is "The Merc With A Mouth"!!!  A mouth!!!  Don't sew it shut FOR NO RAISIN!!  And he's not Baraka!!

I did enjoy the action scenes and seeing some of the cameos. I will repeat that Hugh Jackman makes a great Wolverine. I actually liked Liev Schreiber as Sabertooth better than Tyler "Growling Equals Acting" Mane. Ryan Reynolds was good when he was briefly on screen and had a fucking mouth!! 

OK so I'm done. Wolverine gets a B - . I don't have a nickname. That was a dumb idea.

Even More Movies I've seen in Theaters in 2009

Adventureland. Grade: B - 

I think a large draw of this movie would be nostalgia factor for people who were in their late 20's in the late 80's. At best I was 8 in the eighties and I didn't have a crappy job at a crappy amusement park were I mainly focused on getting drunk, high, and laid. In fact, I was a pretty clueless 8 year old and was only focusing on one of those things.

What can I say about Adventureland that the word "meh" doesn't already convey? It was entertaining. The comedy duo of Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader made me laugh a few times, but the rest of the movie, not so much. When it comes down to it, it's a love story. Yawn! The main guy was was nerdy and likable and the Twilight Girl is still biting her lip and banging dudes who are way to old for her...

So the fact that I don't have a lot to say about this movie says something about it. I enjoyed it at the time but it wasn't very memorable. For those of you born around 1970 this might ring a nostalgic bell. For the rest of you, it will just make you want to get high at an amusement park.

Super witty nickname: I'd Vent Her, Man!

Terminator: Salvation. Grade: B -  (Super Special Katie Grade: C -)

I loved Terminator. I really liked Terminator 2. I watched Terminator 3 all the way through. I was psyched for Terminator: Salvation. Not only does this movie address the history (future) behind the war against the machines, it brings in Christian "Bad-Ass" Bale! And you're in luck, Dear Reader, he uses his Batman voice!!! Hoorah!!!*

  So I gave you Katie's grade because she is not a fan of Terminator or robot fighting like I am so she had a much lower opinion of this movie than I did. Frankly, If you don't like big fights in post-apocalyptic settings than you could skip this, as there is not much else. The thing about the whole time-travel, John Connor messiah set-up is that it wasn't met to last four movies. Seriously, it was a cool idea for an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in 1984 but it was an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in 1984!! Arnold is an unstoppable robot from the future sent back to kill mom of Johnny Connor only to be confronted from Kyle Reese from future who only succeeds in conceiving little Johnny. The apparent plot holes in the first movie were blissfully ignored because is was an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in 1984!! Then sequels happened and it turns out that Terminator makes no fucking sense! This movie even actually tells you to ignore the time travel stuff and you should probably do that. Look! Explosions!

SPOILERS AHEAD!

I gotta talk about some stuff that you may not want to read if you are psyched to see this movie. First of all, the dude who signs something for Cyberdyne and then is killed only to come back in the future? He's a robot! BUM BUM BUUUMMMMM!!! Not only that, but he is the single most important part of Skynet's (super artificial intelligence in charge of all machines) new awesome plan to rid the world of that pesky John Connor. It turns out to be the most needlessly complex and asinine plan ever. Honestly, Skynet, you disappoint me. You want to kill John Connor, You know he wants to find Kyle Reese. You know Kyle Reese will thwart you in the past and become John's daddy. So you're plan is to make a stealth robot who doesn't know he's a robot to befriend Kyle, get him kidnapped by you so John will come to you, using your stealth robot to help John in so you can kill him? You have John's daddy, KILL HIM! SHOOT HIM BURN HIM SQUISH HIM DROWN HIM GAS HIM STAB HIM DEPRESS HIM SO HE KILLS HIMSELF! DON'T USE HIM AS BAIT! ONCE HE IS DEAD JOHN IS DEAD! GOD!

SPOILERS OVER

My point is, if you don't think about it too hard, this is a fun movie. There are some neat ideas and fun scenes but the plot itself is a little weak.

Super witty nickname: I got nothing. Honestly, I'm ashamed of that I'd Vent Her business...

*Sarcasm

Movies I have seen in the theater in 2009 so far. (Part 1)

2009 has been a decent year so far. I have been to the movies six times which means I have spent about forty eight dollars on tickets and roughly sixteen million dollars on snacks. I have decided to share with you, dear reader, what I think about these movies. If you have seen them than you can argue with me all you want (though I warn you now, you will be wrong). If you haven’t seen them, maybe this will help you decide which ones to rent. Probably not, but whatever. Do what you want.
Because I am a teacher I will give each movie a letter grade based on the A – F plus minus system. A means awesome, F means fuck you give me my money back. Actually I have no F’s on this list. I am somewhat careful about what I’m going to go to the theaters to see. So here is my list from worst to best. Here are the first two:

Race to Witch Mountain. Grade: D

First of all, I want to point out that I was a chaperone on a school field trip where we went to Ben & Jerry’s and went to a movie. Race to Witch Mountain is what we saw. It was either this or Knowing and honestly, the quality of Nic Cage’s movies has an indirect proportion with the length of his hair, and his hair was pretty long in Knowing so no thanks. As for Witch Mountain, Disney can suck my ass. They make such crap nowadays. They only reason their animated movies are still good is because they bought Pixar. Seriously, they are the Yankees of the movie industry.
I loved Escape to Witch Mountain as a little Tristram so I was interested in this one. The only reason it didn’t get an F was because of the fuckin Rock. I love that guy and I think he’s a decent actor. The rest of the movie was crap. Why do directors think that they can fool us into thinking action is going on by just shaking the camera? You have no idea what you’re looking at so it must be an impressive action scene. That’s such amateur bullshit and it gives me a headache. Also, the kids in it are two beautiful Aryan specimens that are slightly more sexualized than kids that age have any right to be. What do you expect from the company that brought us Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers? Seriously, I don’t want to watch that shit. If Mickey Mouse were real he would be arrested as a pedophile.
My advice to you is to not let nostalgia talk you into paying money for this. I guess if you have a Dwayne Johnson collection this is a must have, but to the rest of you, stay away.
Super witty nickname: Race to Bitch Mountain!


The Watchmen. Grade: C+ ( B + as an adaptation, however)

I can not say enough about The Watchmen graphic novel. Seriously it’s a must-read for everybody. Go buy it right now and read it then give it to your grandmother. That book is one of the best pieces of literature out there, period. The movie, however, not so much. Snyder tried really hard to stay true to the book, and he succeeded to a fault. There were a lot of parts in the movie that were just corny because they were directly from the book. You have to admire that part of the film, but as a whole, the film just didn’t work that well. I thought Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan were awesome, and I thought Patrick Wilson was O.K. as Night Owl. What killed me was the Silk Spectre. She is the emotional center of the book, but Malin Ackerman was just cast for tits and ass. Oh and you see all that, in the most awkward sex scene ever! The action scenes were brutal which is cool, but enough with the slow motion shit. Other than in the first Matrix and any John Woo movie, slow motion in action scenes is a cliché substitute for real action. It’s as annoying as shaky cameras and actors on wires.
I do have to say that the ending in the movie actually made more sense than the ending in the book. I give them credit for that. This was never going to be that good of a movie, we all knew that. They never should have made it but Hollywood has to make money somehow.

super witty nickname: The Crotchmen!

space

I know it's only two movies so far and I apologize, dear reader. It's taking me longer than I thought and I am a busy man. I have seen seven movies in the theater so far so you have five more to look forward to. Hopefully I can finish them this weekend. But I will play disc golf when I can so suck it up.