Delicious Zombie Food

Thor

2011-05-24T19:17:00.013-04:00

I've never been a huge fan of Marvel's Thor. This is interesting because I have always been very interested in Norse Mythology, particularly modern takes on it. Neil Gaiman's American Gods remains one of my favorite books of all time. I've never had much use for the comics versions though. I never really liked mixing Gods with superheroes. Having a God on your team leaves too much room for "deus ex machina" endings, pun intended. The only incarnation of Thor in the comics that I really liked was the Ultimate version, because it was pretty ambiguous as to whether he was in fact a God or just some nut who got his hands on a fancy hammer. I was hoping they would play that angle for the movie, but they didn't (not really). So I went to this movie not out of love of the character, but more of a slavish devotion to comic adaptations. Also, other reasons...

I was told there would be snakes.

So, cutting to the chase, did I like the movie? Considering it was the one I had the lowest expectations for, I was pleasantly surprised. You could tell that Kenneth Branagh did not write this off as a campy comics story for kids and phone it in (cough-Fantastic Four-cough) but actually crafted a good story. This was a fun movie. If you don't know the plot, go look up a better written review. Basically, Thor get's banished to Earth until he learns to be less arrogant, falls in love with pretty girl, has to fight his evil brother. Along the way he tangles with S.H.I.E.L.D. and learns a little humility along the way. The special effects were for the most part top notch, though there were a few shoddy parts. Asgard looked cool but sometimes it reminded me of a Saturday morning cartoon. Maybe it was the rainbow bridge, it seemed like something right out of Gem or something. Also, I prefer my Asgardians to look a bit more medieval than gold trimmed.

Seriously, that eye patch is just silly.

These are personal peeves, however, and you might not even notice them. Overall, it was a great looking movie with an enjoyable story. I particularly appreciated the little cameo by one of Thor's fellow future Avengers. I'm guessing it was thrown in a little late to promote next year's movie, but I'm not complaining. The clip after the credits was also a nice little tie in (at least I hope).

The acting was pretty solid, which was expected. Let's go down the list. Chris Hemsworth pulled it off as the title character. Thor's transformation from arrogant prince to selfless hero was believable and fun to watch. Natalie Portman did her job and fell in love as planned. The fantastic Stellan Skarsgard, the only actual Scandinavian, provided the exposition while Kat Dennings provided the jokes. Tom Hiddleston's Loki was probably the best character, despite his motivations being a bit murky at times. He was obviously torn between his ambitions and his love for his family, and he was constantly duplicitous (until the end when he went completely off the rails, for some reason). Anthony Hopkins could have played his role of Odin in his sleep, and luckily, he was awake (for the parts he was supposed to be, anyway). Rene Russo was wasted as Frigga, as she didn't have many lines. Maybe she wanted it that way though. Also wasted was the great Ray Stevenson as Volstagg. It's understandable that not every character could have that much screen time, but I just wanted more of the Warriors Three. They all played their parts fine, though, and Jaimie Alexander made one wonder exactly why Thor was so easily wooed by some mortal girl when Lady Sif is waiting at home.

But where's the snake?

As I mentioned before, I had low expectations for this movie going into it, which were met and exceeded. It was a fun popcorn flick, a good way to start the summer. It wasn't perfect, but at least it wasn't campy. I give it a B+.

Harry, Prince of Whales

2011-05-12T00:22:00.000-04:00

No Peeking!

2011-05-12T00:03:00.000-04:00

Seriously, wtf?

2011-05-12T00:02:00.000-04:00

Wolverine vs. T-Rex

2011-05-11T23:45:00.000-04:00

Pawn of Prophecy

2011-04-07T09:49:00.002-04:00

Pawn of Prophecy by David Eddings

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Another story where a young boy is thrust into a world he doesn't understand. Although the protagonist remains pretty ignorant throughout the story, the answers to many questions are revealed to the reader. There are plenty left unanswered though, which makes me eager to read the next book. I liked the world that was created and the supporting cast seemed fresh and unique even though it was comprised of common archetypes (Old Sorcerer and Sorceress, Brawler, Thief, and simple Blacksmith). A great start to a series.

View all my reviews

Top 10 Favorite NES Games

2010-12-01T15:07:00.029-05:00

The title says it all. Note: If this article starts screwing up, just blow into the cartridge and try again.

10. Bionic Commando

I had actually completely forgotten about this game until a couple of years ago when I heard the theme music somewhere and I so flooded by memories that I was physically unable to jump for weeks. If you haven't played it, the Bionic Commando is single handedly fighting "Nazis" with an extendo arm he uses to swing around because he can't jump. Because this was a platformer, you relied heavily on this grappling hook to get around. It involved a lot of trial and error and planning trajectories which spoke to my obsessive nature. There was a time in my life when I played this game non-stop, back when I was too young to realize that the mechanics were frustrating and any hero who can't just is a stupid lame wad.

You heard me, Professor.

They tried to reboot this title recently, but it was not very successful. I may have really liked this game 20 years ago, but I doubt it really stands the test of time.

9. Rampart

This was the first strategy game I ever played. Before there was Starcraft or Age of Empires there was Rampart. You picked a spot, and a square castle was formed. Then you placed cannons and traded shots with boats that looked like turds. Then you were given limited time to rebuild and expand your castle using tetris pieces, aaaaand repeat. The more "bases" you surrounded the more powerful you became. You could also fight against other castles. Watching the video of the game play makes me wonder what I loved so much about this game. It was a simpler time when points mattered and my imagination wasn't crippled.

Pictured: Epic awesomeness (apparently)

8. (Mike Tyson's) Punch Out

I can honestly say that this game remains the best boxing game I have ever played. You've probably guessed I haven't played any others, not even the recent remake. This game was fun but difficult. You played the horribly outmatched Little Mac taking on one bruiser after another. Like most boss battles of the time it was a matter of recognizing patterns and waiting for the right time to strike. Luckily the opponents were mostly incredible racial stereotypes and therefore, easy to read. You had the Russian Soda Popinski (formerly Vodka Drunkenski), the Indian Great Tiger, and the effeminate Frenchman Glass Joe. They all had their own tells and weak spots and you had to work your way through them to get to the one and only Mike Tyson (later changed to Mr. Dream) who, incidentally, was friggen impossible to beat.

How the fuck did you do that?

7. Blades of Steel

This was an awesome hockey game, mainly because you could fight. The game itself was fun, but it was really the fights you were waiting for. The greatest thing about the fights was that only the loser was penalized. Of course that sucked if you lost, but as long as you just kept pounding that B button, you were usually fine. The NHL would be a lot cooler if it worked like this.

6. Jackal

Like most games, this game was a lot more fun when played with a friend. Either way this game was made of pure awesome. You controlled a jeep which you viewed from an aerial view, rampaging through some unnamed warzone in search of POWs. You had unlimited machine gun bullets and grenades with which to devastate the enemy. A really fun thing to do was to run over any soldiers stupid enough to be attacking you on foot. Of course, they occasionally got off a final bullet which would utterly destroy your jeep. The boss battles were fun, though the size difference was a bit ridiculous if you thought about how it would look in reality. Luckily I was 10, and never did that.

OMG! Your turret is bigger than my whole fucking jeep!
(That's what she said!)

5. Contra

What can I say about Contra that hasn't been said before? It was pure unadulterated badassery! You and a friend (if you were lucky enough to have one) just run through level after level with unlimited ammo gunning down anyone stupid enough to try and stop you. Occasionally a flying letter would show up to give you a temporary power up which would make you even more deadlier. Maybe I sucked but I have to wonder if anyone ever beat the game without using the 30 lives cheat, it was an extremely tough game.

Especially this part!

4. Mega Man (?)

Yeah there's a question mark there. I played a lot of Mega Man in my day, but I honestly can't differentiate between the sequels. I know they improved the controls as the series progressed, as well as added a robot dog (and honestly, who doesn't want a robot dog?), but they all pretty much played the same. Some evil doctor makes a bunch of evil robots with cool themes that Mega Man wants to steal. Maybe I should do some research but I really don't care. If it's really bugging you I'll ask my wife to choose a number from 1 to 6. Here goes: She picked four! My favorite Mega Man game was Mega Man 4. Makes sense, this is the sequel that introduced the "Mega Buster". It also had Toad Man and Pharaoh Man. Unfortunately it didn't have these guys:

3. Bubble Bobble

This game wins points for having the weirdest plot, the most repetitive music, and the most frustrating game play while still being unbelievably addictive and fun. The story is something about two baby dragons (who blow bubbles instead of breathing fire) who have to travel through an endless cave of monsters to save their parents. Wait, I just checked wikipedia and it turns out they were trying to save their girlfriends. I guess they weren't babies after all. Wow, I have been so wrong all these years! It just goes to show how little the plot actually factors into the game. Basically you go from stage to stage trying to trap monsters in bubbles and pop them. When you successfully pop a baddie, it turns into a treat. In fact, treats spring up all over the place. Incidentally, the more unhealthy the treat, the more points you get. Thus, Weight Watchers was born. The scary part was, if you took too long to finish a level, an unkillable flying whale skeleton would show up and stalk you relentlessly. Scary stuff right there. I recently got the chance to play this game again and it remains one of the few NES games that I can get right back into despite my addiction to high definition explosions. I'm sure I had some chemical assistance, but that seems strangely appropriate:

The final boss does shoot bottles of moonshine, after all.

2. Legend of Zelda

There's no other way to put it, this game was epic. The legacy it created says it all. The world and characters that were introduced here have lasted for decades. Looking at the graphics now doesn't do it any favors, but back then it created a huge world full of diverse landscapes, scary monsters, and beautiful princesses. You were Link on an quest to save the world, though it could be argued that he was really only in it to get laid (or at least to second base). This was one of the first games that I got really engrossed in. It told such a large tale that I had never seen before. To be honest, I haven't really played any Zelda games since. They all look good, but in a world where games can take up way too much of your time, I can't afford to get sucked back in.

Pictured: The true evolution of man

1. Super Mario Bros. 3

You knew Mario was going to be in this spot. Honestly, both of the other Super Mario Bros. games could be on this list, but I don't want to give Mario the satisfaction. The first game was easily the first great platformer, the second one was a lot of fun even if it made no friggen sense, but the third one was the one where they really got it right. I cant even articulate everything I loved about this game so I'm just going to list a bunch of stuff that comes to mind right now:
The hub world, the leaf that helped you fly, Bowser's kids, you could carry shells, you could sneak "behind the scenes", the frog suit, the giant fish that could swallow you, the tanooki suit, the hammer suit, the hammer brother that stalked hub world, mama goomba with babies, the kings were transformed into weird stuff, the warp whistle , the p-wing, giant world, the boot you could jump around in, the mini-game mushroom houses, and the moles that throw wrenches, just to name a few. As much as I hate to give Mario another reason to think he's the bigger than Jesus, I have to admit Super Mario Bros. 3 is probably the best NES game ever.

Enjoy it while it lasts, you smug son of a bitch!

Megamind: Some Quick Thoughts

2010-11-27T19:37:00.002-05:00

Megamind is the new animated feature from Dreamworks, a smart superhero spoof where the villain is the main character. If you were bothered in any way by The Incredibles borrowing from the Fantastic Four, than brace yourself for Megamind, cause from just the opening credits it more than just borrows from Superman mythos.

Say what?!

In fact there is no getting around it. Brad Pitt's Metroman is Superman while Tina Fey's Roxanne Ritchi is Lois Lane. Though Will Ferrell's MegaMind is a bald super genius who squanders his gifts on a pointless obsession with defeating the super hero, he turns out to be a more sympathetic character than Lex Luthor. In fact, MegaMind reminds me a lot of Peter Parker, only without a kindly old uncle he learns amazing life lessons from, and inadvertently kills. Megamind is a nerdy outcast who resorts to villainy not because he's really evil, but because it's the only way for him to get attention. It becomes his role to be the enemy of the hero, but when he actually succeeds, he finds himself reevaluating what his life is all about. It's Jonah Hill's Tighten who, while being reminiscent to Jimmy Olsen, shows a much more real and scary type of villainy: lazy, selfish, and entitled with way too much power. The themes in this movie are pretty obvious and heavy handed. While it does have some fantastic sequences and some interesting ideas, it is a pretty predictable story. I'm sure you can probably guess how it ends, but it is fun getting there. The animation is fantastic, of course, and the voice acting is all top notch. I should mention David Cross' Minion just because he has some great lines and David Cross is awesome in everything.

He would have been perfect as Megamind, himself.

Overall, it's a fun but predictable movie, I give it a B+.

The Comic Movies of 2011

2010-11-17T15:00:00.023-05:00

Summer is the time for the comic book movie, and next summer we get three big ones: Thor, Captain America, and Green Lantern. Thor and Captain America are from Marvel, and are particularly notable because they are crucial to piecing together the upcoming Avengers movie, which promises to be an unprecedented event (more on that later). DC’s Green Lantern is also notable because, frankly, DC needs this to do well. As it stands DC’s only successful movie franchise is the Batman movies, and that just isn’t enough. The Superman reboot was a disappointment, and I think they are waiting to see how Green Lantern does before committing to any other characters (Though I think Neil Patrick Harris in a Flash movie would be a license to print money, but that’s just me). So with 8 months or so before any of these movies come out, I’m going to put in my two cents about how I think they look.

Thor (5/6/2011)

Though I've always been interested in Norse Mythology I've never had much use for Marvel's Thor. I never really liked the idea of Gods being on the same team as mere mortals. Regardless, Thor is a longtime Avenger so it's necessary for him to be in the Avenger's movie. Of the three movies coming out next year, this one has me the most doubtful, mainly because of this picture:

It's that damn gold eye patch! My favorite depiction of Odin is Neil Gaiman's shifty grifter. I know it's dumb to expect Hollywood to tone anything down, but all these gold costumes make me wary. It just comes off as corny to me. The thing about movies about Gods or superheroes, it is very easy to resort to corniness, regardless of how good your actors are.

Right, Ralph?

So, let's look at the actors. Chris Hemsworth was good in Star Trek, and he seems like he'll be fine as Thor. Anthony Hopkins is a great actor, but I'm afraid he'll ham it up as Odin. I don't know any thing about Tom Hiddleston, but he looks like he could pass as a villainous Loki. Natalie Portman is good in everything she does though I am discouraged by Kat Denning playing her less hot, sarcastic best friend. It seems cliched to me, but we'll see. Rene Russo, who hasn't been in a movie since 2005, decided to come back to play Frigga, Thor's step mommy. Clark Gregg is back as Agent Coulson. I like this character and I'm glad to see that he's a thread that connects all the films. Finally, the great Ray Stevenson is filling the very big shoes of Volstagg. Ever since Rome I've liked Ray Stevenson. I don't care what you say, Punisher: War Zone wasn't that bad. There! I said it!

Especially if you like ham!

So I still have mixed feelings about this movie. It has a solid cast, but so has several disappointing blockbuster. Remember Troy? Yeah, it's probably best if you don't. It too had a promising cast. The thing that might save it (other than Natalie Portman being cute as a button) is the inclusion of SHIELD, and the tying into the Marvel Universe as a whole. Seriously, if Marvel pulls this off, it could be a game changer. Only time will tell.
Excitement Level: Going on a blind date with a sorority girl who may turn out to be ugly and dumb, but there's promise of group action that you just can't pass up.

Green Lantern (6/17/2011)

As I said above, DC needs this. When it comes to theatrical releases, Marvel is owning them worse than the Hulk would own Green Arrow (trust me, that's bad). Sure some people say that Christopher Nolan's Batman movies are the best superhero movies ever made, and they may be right, but that's all DC has. The thing is, they have some great characters that would make for fantastic movies, Green Lantern being one of them. At first I was disappointed that Ryan Reynolds would play Hal Jordan, thinking it should be Nathan Fillion, but after seeing the trailer, I think he'll pull it off. The thing is, Hal Jordan isn't the most liked character. He' has no real personality, cocky being his most defining characteristic. He's probably the superhero most likely to slap a woman on the ass and tell her to go cook him a steak. Ryan Reynolds has made a career of being that kind of character, but likable. Heck, he even made The Proposal bearable.

Unfortunately, you can't win them all

Even watching the trailer, I my trepidations were slightly abated when I Reynolds spoke his lines. He's just so likable. Does that sound gay? I don't care. As for the other characters, the preview just gave brief shots of Mark Strong as Sinestro and Peter Sarsgaard as Hector Hammond. Both of those guys are solid actors, even if they did look a little silly all done up. The other lanterns all look great, especially Kilowag. Blake Lively is playing the love interest, Carol Ferris. I don't understand why they insisted on hiring a blond to play a brunette. They do it all the time! It's as annoying now as it was when they made Kirsten Dunst a redhead:

Wait, what was I talking about?

The special effects look like they're going to be impressive enough. I'm worried about his costume being CGI. It makes sense, as it's generated by his ring, so it would be all glowy and stuff, but it could easily come off looking stupid. Also, I'm afraid that they're trying to cram too much into the movie. The preview showed him getting the ring, learning his powers, going to Oa, as well as some Hector Hammond business. Hopefully all this stuff fits O.K. and the movie doesn't feel rushed.
Excitement Level: Going on a blind date with an aspiring actress. You know things are going to look awesome, but it may turn out to be a crazy and confusing time.

Captain America: The First Avenger (7/22/2011)

This movie is the one I know the least about, but have the highest expectations for. This movie has the potential to be very good. First of all, it will be set during WW2 and is about a skinny little nerd who volunteers to be experimented on for his country. Also it addresses the creation of SHIELD, including Nick Fury and Howard Stark. Throw in the fantastic Hugo Weaving as the villain Red Skull, this could be a fantastic movie. Or it could be crap. It depends how seriously they take it. I hope they don't decide to make the WW2 scenes all slick and CGI as tends to the case with comic book movies. If they instead make it a good war movie that happens to star a super human soldier, the movie will be much better for it. I'm thinking make it like Band of Brothers but Captain Winters is a super powered badass.
So what about the casting? I was doubtful when I heard Chris Evans would be playing Steve Rogers, but to be perfectly honest, none of the other names that were thrown around sounded that good either. John Krasinski? Dane Cook? Nope. Though it is weird that the guy who played Johnny Storm is going to play Captain America, I am all for completely forgetting that movie even existed. Besides, Chris Evans was the best part of that movie. In fact, he's pretty much the best part of every movie he's in; Not Another Teen Movie, Losers, Sunshine and Scott Pilgrim versus the World, he was the best part of all of them. So I like Chris Evans a lot, that might seem gay (sorry Ryan), but it's not.

There's nothing gay about any of this.

So what about the other cast? I already mentioned Hugo Weaving. He's plays a great villain and I trust him not to ham up Red Skull too much. Speaking of ham, I'm hoping Tommy Lee Jones wants to forget his Two Face roll as much as the rest of us, he'll probably be solid in this too. As will Samuel Jackson and Stanley Tucci. Hey! Neal McDonough (from Band of Brothers) will be Dum Dum Dugan! He'll keep them on track! Score!
We know how it's going to end. Rogers gets frozen and thawed out in present day to form the Avengers. Again, I hope this movie is good just so the Avengers movie will work. It will be tricky. It has to be patriotic without being cheesy. So the jury really is still out on this one. My hopes are up, but years of disappointment just won't let them get too high. We shall see.

Excitement Level: Going on a date with a girl who all your friends have nothing but nice things to say about, and from a distance she looks awesome, but you know she was involved in a pretty nasty four-way that she'd rather forget about.

Further Evidence...

2010-10-20T15:08:00.004-04:00

While searching the web I found a few funny pictures which support my theories from a few weeks ago about classic video game characters. Now, I realize that photoshopped pictures one finds on the internet aren't necessarily canon, but it does show that my theories have some merit. Mainly, that Mario is a prideful son of a bitch, and Luigi is envious. The following is a facebook conversation that illustrates this:

I don't doubt that Mario would treat Luigi like this. It's only a matter of time before Luigi finally snaps:

XKCD movie!!!

2010-10-13T20:30:00.003-04:00

I wish!

Cracked.com has a weekly photo-shop contest where they give a theme and people submit their photo-shopped entries. This week, for example, the theme is "If Every Website Got A Dramatic Movie Adaptation", in reference to The Social Network. A few of them were pretty funny, and while this one isn't the winner, it made me really sad that this movie will never actually exist. I think it could exist and it could be hilarious!

Congratulations, BRWombat, you successfully broke my heart.

You Probably Won't Like Turtles Forever, But You MIght

2010-10-10T21:14:00.008-04:00

I absolutely loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was growing up. I watched the cartoon religiously, and once I got my hands on $5.24, I was down at KB Toys buying a new action figure. When the movies came out I was a child obsessed, It was pure magic to me. Everything about the movies were cool to me.

In retrospect, not so much...

But, as most people do, I grew up. I stopped paying attention to the cartoons. My action figures met their grisly fates taped to M-80's. My TMNT RPG books became yard sale fodder. And I saw the 3rd movie through eyes unclouded by the unquestionable worship only a child can feel and saw it for the silly crapfest it was. As the years went by, the Ninja Turtles never went away, but I just stopped caring. I was always peripherally aware of new toy lines or cartoons, but never went out of my way to learn more. I did, however, get a chance to enjoy the original comics, which I really enjoyed. The series started out as a parody of the dark and gritty Ninja comics of the 80's, particularly Frank Miller's Daredevil. How it became the childish marketing juggernaut it is today is beyond me, but it did.

So gritty...

I did recently watch the computer animated TMNT movie and not hate it. It was a fun little action movie. There was some pre-existing storylines (Shredder is dead but has a daughter?) that proved that the current animated series has been busy. I've never had much interest in the current series because it just looked like it was trying to be too sleek and bad-ass. While this may have in fact been a return to the original spirit of the characters, they weren't my turtles so I just didn't care.
A few months ago, a friend of mine told me about Turtles: Forever, a made for t.v. movie where the Turtles from the original series are teleported to the universe of the new series, hijinks ensue. I was intrigued by this concept so I put it on my netflix queue. I wasn't that intrigued, so it wasn't #1, and I kept putting movies and series ahead of it, but it eventually made it to the top, and I watched it yesterday.
Throughout the first three quarters of the movie, I was mildly entertained. It mainly served as a vehicle to poke fun at the campiness of the 80's cartoon series. The old school turtles constantly annoy the modern ones by endlessly cracking jokes and obsessing over pizza. What I found odd was the one who cracked the most jokes (by far) was old school Raphael. I remember him being the bad ass of the group, even back then, so this struck me as odd. Perhaps my 7 year old's interpretation of bad ass is a bit different from my current one. I did like the interactions between old school Shredder with modern Shredder. He really was an incompetent bungler back then, wasn't he?

"Tonight I dine on turtle soup!"? Puh-leeease!

Well, the plot eventually unveils itself to be surprisingly unoriginal. [POSSIBLE SPOILERS] So there's a TMNT multiverse and Shredder decides that the only way to truly rid himself of those pesky Turtles is to destroy the source, or "Turtle Prime". I actually rolled my eyes at this. I watched Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths recently, and it had the exact same plot. Well it was the trip to "Turtle Prime" that turned out to be a real treat. It's a black and white world inhabitted by the surly, constantly narating turtles from the original comic. It turned out to be a nice little tribute to the original comic and it's creators Eastman and Laird. The final scene made the whole movie worth it.

I find I can't really grade this movie like I normally would. For the most part, I thought it was pretty lame save. a few clever tributes and observations. Will you like it? Well if you liked the original cartoon or the comics than this is worth checking out. If you feel like you can't watch something this "uncool", turn it into a drinking game or something. Drink every time someone says cowabunga or pizza. Take a shot every time Raphael makes a joke, if you dare, but don't say I didn't warn you.

7 Classic Video Game Characters and the Deadly Sin They Represent

2010-10-05T15:53:00.018-04:00

Video games are naturally evil, and by extension, they bring out the evil in anyone who plays them. The Grand Theft Auto series alone is responsible for 89% of violent crime since 1987.* As technology progresses as do the opportunities for gamers to live out their most diabolical fantasies. These days, gamers have entire virtual worlds to in which they can perfect their evil before unleashing them on the real world.

The true face of evil

The evil impact of video games is not a new phenomenon. In fact, video games have been a sinister influence from the very start. In fact, some of the most beloved classic video game characters actually represent the most evil aspects of humanity:

Link - Lust

Link has starred in many games, across many different platforms. Because of this, his character design and origins have changed significantly over the years. What has never really changed however, is that he is an adolescent boy that sets off on a dangerous quest that is centered around a beautiful Princess named Zelda. Now I know a little something about being an adolescent boy, having been one for 29 years, and the only reason that boy is going to go on such a huge quest, facing unspeakable horror and danger at every turn, is if he thinks he's going to get laid at the end. Sure, there's usually something threatening the space time continuum, or all life as we know it, but that's neither here nor there. When it comes down to it, you know he's in it for the nookie.

Mega Man - Greed

Sure, there are a lot of games where you have to collect coins or rings or other treasure, and you could argue those characters are greedy. Mega Man, however, is after much bigger swag: souls. The media would have you believe that the villains Mega Man hunts down are robots, and robots don't have souls. Don't buy it. Mega Man systematically hunts down anyone else in the world like himself, destroys them, and eats their souls to gain their powers. One power isn't enough for Mega Man, nor is having a robot dog buddy, he has to have all the powers.

You - Gluttony

Sure, there are video game characters whose powers are based on eating like Kirby or Pacman, but they eat because it's their best tool against the forces of evil. Also, Kirby would never eat dozens of ducks just for the fun of it, but you would, wouldn't you? Seriously, how many ducks do you need to shoot? The ten you could bag in just one level seems like it should satiate one person, but it's not enough for you, is it? You just keep going, keep shooting duck after duck after duck Every duck you see you have to shoot. Don't lie and say you have a big family to feed. Even if you're Italian, your family can't be big enough to justify killing a hundred ducks on one hunting trip. Did you know ducks mate for life? Yeah, they do! You better eat every last bite, you gluttonous sonuvabitch!

Mario - Pride

Look at that smug bastard. Even his baseball bat has his damn symbol on it. He refers to himself and his brother as the super Mario brothers! What is that about? I don't buy for a second that their last name is Mario. No, Mario is a cocky glory hog. His name is part of over 50 game titles. He has put his name on golf, racing, tennis, and even Olympic games. Being a plumber wasn't good enough for him so for a while in the nineties he donned a lab coat and made everybody call him Doctor Mario (though I am pretty sure he never went to med school). Everything always has to be about him. Everyone in his life is just one more tool to validate his greatness. Even his relationship with Peach is a sham. I'm willing to bet that he pays Bowser to kidnap Peach every year or two just so he has another excuse to go on a huge quest, rescue her, and show everyone how awesome he is (again). No, Mario is controlled by his vanity, and what's worse, we as a culture completely buy his hype, which must be even more frustrating for...

Luigi - Envy

Poor Luigi, always living in his brother's shadow. The brother in the Super Mario Brothers that isn't Mario. Whereas Mario's name shows up in over 50 titles, Luigi's shows up in 4 (3 of which are actually Mario & Luigi...). Luigi is the ultimate second fiddle even though he is taller, skinnier, and a better jumper than his brother. Even his girlfriend Daisy is a footnote who is only trotted out to have more characters in party games. Luigi will never be in the spotlight (or Peach's panties) as long as his brother is around.

Donkey Kong - Sloth

Well, it seems that that crazy gorilla named Donkey has the same need to kidnap pretty ladies as the next gorilla. But he doesn't really know what to do with her once he has her. Either that, or he just can't be bothered. When a hammer wielding plumber comes a knocking, Donkey barely lifts a finger. Well, he does lift some barrels, but that is it. He has no intention of getting off his hairy ass and being more proactive, he's content to keep lobbing barrels and hope for the best. (Spoiler alert: He lost). Eventually he did get his own platform game on SNES. The plot? Donkey is content to sit around his island with his giant pile of bananas. When that pile gets stolen, however, he has to get off his ass to find it. Along the way, he finds several animals to ride:

Yeah, cause a rhino is so much faster and more agile than a gorilla. No, Donkey just got tired of walking. Cause he's so laaaazy!

Pacman - Wrath

I mentioned Pacman during the gluttony bit, and yes it's true that the game is all about eating all the pellets. But Pacman eats because it's his only way to escape these hellish mazes. Pacman is all about getting home to his wife and her sexy bow so he eating is just the means to an end. Pacman has a two jobs to do, eat the pellets and stay alive. Those fucking ghosts do their best to make those jobs as hard as possible. That's why the only time Pacman strays from his task is right after he eats a power pellet. Once those ghosts are vulnerable, fuck the pellets, fuck getting home to his wife/twin sister, Pacman is out for revenge. He will hunt them down relentlessly. He even gets bonus points for consecutive kills. I bet those ghosts taste like shit, but revenge sure is sweet.

*Rough estimation

Peter & Uncle Ben

2010-10-04T21:45:00.002-04:00

This is great...

Watching Superman/Batman: Apocalypse

2010-09-28T17:00:00.008-04:00

Over the past decade or so Marvel and DC have been producing an increasing number of animated movies that go straight to DVD. As a comic book fan, I look forward to these movies because they are usually adaptations of story lines that would otherwise never make it into a feature film. I’m not entirely sure how appealing these movies are to viewers who do not follow comics, however, and it was pretty obvious in the early dvd’s that the creator’s weren’t either. Honestly, the quality of these movies is pretty hit or miss, and in the beginning there were a lot more misses than hits. I feel like they do keep getting better, and there seems to be a lot more production value put into them. DC in particular has put out a couple of pretty good ones recently, a couple of which I want to talk about later.
Right now, however, I have Superman/Batman Apocalypse in my blu ray player all ready to go. This just came out today so I don’t really know much about it. I know that it is adapted from a story line written by Jeph Loeb with are by the late, great Michael Turner. (I thought he was great anyways... he was often criticized for mainly drawing half naked, half starved ladies...)

It’s not not true...

Ok let’s begin. [Probably spoilers ahead!] First of all, I guess this is a sequel to Superman/Batman: Public Enemies. I thought that one was pretty disappointing, so let’s hope this is an improvement.

This opening sequence is fun. Kevin Conroy! Yes! There may be a debate about who played the best Batman on screen (I vote for Christian Bale, I never really bought Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne), but there is not contest for the voice of Batman. Kevin Conroy is Batman as far as I’m concerned. Tim Daly is back as Superman, which is good. As is Susan Eisenberg as Wonder Woman. A nice Justice League reunion thing going on. Summer Glau? She can do crazy, can she do Supergirl?

Actually, she can do whatever she wants

Not a big fan of the character designs here. You can tell they’re trying to emulate Michael Turner’s style, so they get bonus points for effort, I guess.

Why would GCPD ever think blimps are a good idea? They are floating bombs just waiting for some psychotic clown to drive it into a building.

Yay Krypto!

Ed Asner is back as Granny Goodness, a fantastic role for him. I like the design of her and the Female Furies. I am enjoying this fight scene right now. I’m not sure who the woman in white is, but I recognize the others from Supeman: the Animated Series. I’ve always had a thing for Lashina for some reason. Maybe it turns out I’m into bondage or what not...

Note to self: investigate that further...

Shopping montage? Really?

The fight against the Doomsdays was pretty boring. In fact, this whole thing is boring me a little. Maybe it’s because I know the story already. Now our heroes are on Apocalypse, and the action is picking up. OK, the Parademons look like Koopa Troopas to me so it’s hard to take them seriously. I guess no one ever takes them seriously, them being Darkseid’s cannon fodder and all.

Barda and Wonder Woman versus the Female Furies is turning out to be the best action sequence so far. Meanwhile it’s Batman + jetpack versus giant dogs. Whoops! He’s eaten! Batman’s dead! Spoiler!

Blood, swears and scantily clad women? Earlier, I was going to talk more about the primary audience of these movies, but it’s getting pretty obvious that it’s not children. It’s not that this is an x rated gore fest by any means (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but it does have a pretty dark and adult feeling to it. So if it’s not meant to get children into comics, then it’s obvious that it’s directed towards older fans who already into comics and know the stories and characters. I mean, how many people really know who Big Barda is? Also, judging from the amount of animated female flesh being shown, it seems like it might more directed at males than females. So, I ask again, just how widespread an audience is DC hoping for here. Male comic book fans may be extremely vocal on the internet, but it’s becoming pretty clear you can’t rely on them alone.

Well, the ending was fun. I enjoyed Batman's confrontation with Darkseid, as well as the final battle on the Kent farm. I was particularly amused when Darkseid grinned and grabbed Superman's cape. I have to say that there was some very impressive action. If that's the main reason you watch these movies, then go ahead and give this a watch. Overall the story was just O.K., but you may enjoy it more if you are unfamiliar with the original comics.

Final Grade: B

P.S. The Green Arrow Showcase is pretty good. I've never liked Green Arrow as a character, not even in Justice League Unlimited. He always comes off as one-note and preachy. I liked him in this. "Sorry I'm late. You ever try changing clothes in a Hybrid?" I thought that was funny. Of course he drives a Hybrid...

Scott Pilgrim vs. the Box Office

2010-08-30T14:43:00.017-04:00

This is about the seventh time I've sat down to write something about the Scott Pilgrim Versus the World movie. I am having a hard time articulating how I feel about it. I saw it a few weeks ago with three other people; My brother in law who read the books like me, my wife who only read the first half of the books, and a friend who didn't even know the books existed. My wife and friend loved the movie while me and my brother were disappointed. I've decided that most of the blame falls on book 6:

Books: ruining a movie near you as we speak!

Now, I'm not that stupid, I know that movie adaptations of books change a lot of things. It's a necessity, you can't fit all that information into two hours of film. There's a reason why it's called an adaptation and not a recreation or whatever. Knowing this, I absolutely loved the first hour of the movie. I thought that a lot of the things that were actually a good thing. The energy of the first two fights was fantastic.
/*I just realized that I am doing a horrible job of reviewing this movie for someone who has no idea what it's about. Well, that's not really my goal here. You want to read good reviews written by good reviewers? Go here or here. I'm more of a stream of consciousness kind of guy, I really don't know what's coming next...*/
Boobs! Wait, no... the energy of the first two fights = awesome! Patel's Bollywood number? Lucas Lee's stunt team? None of that was in the book but it was a lot of fun. I think I was laughing the whole time Chris Evans was on screen. I didn't care about divergences from the books, it was too much fun. The movie had a lot more emphasis on the band, and as an extension, music. That makes sense because it's not something that really translates that well in a book. The music really adds to the atmosphere of the story, and I want to get my hands on the soundtrack. The Clash of the Demonhead show was probably the pinnacle of my enjoyment of the movie. After that, however, I started getting uneasy. The entire Envy storyline was cut and the scenes with her suffered for it. I understand they couldn't fit everything in, but it still bugged me. Then Roxy showed up and she was defeated the way Envy is defeated in the book, even though the way Roxy was defeated in the book was friggen awesome. I can forgive all that! What I can't forgive is the blatant lack of robots!

Seriously, who doesn't love robots?

It was the fight with the Japanese twins that really threw me for a loop. I understand they wanted to incorporate the band more, and the scene is actually pretty cool. Or I think it was, I couldn't really tell because I was too busy whining about robots. In the book Scott faces off against a couple of robots before fighting the twins in a very Kim Pine related subplot. I never expected that subplot to be addresses so I wasn't expecting the fight to be exactly the same, but come on! Robots!
Then there was the end. Crazy different. Seeing how the movie was made before book 6 was released, I shouldn't have got my hopes up. It just bugs me when things are changed that didn't really need to be. A fucking microchip? Come on!

You expect the guy in a $4000 suit to believe microchip? Come on!

Enough about the book. Most of you will never read it (even though you should). As an adaptation of a book I love I give this movie a B, but on its own I give it an A. If I wasn't bogged down by disappointment I would have really loved this movie. Just ask my wife!

You should probably ask her soon

This movie is one of the most original and fun movies I have seen in a while. The casting was top notch. Even Michael Cera seemed to break out of his shell, he didn't stutter or glance at his shoes once! Ellen Wong's Knives was too cute for words. Kieran Culkin nailed Wallace. Alison Pill was perfect as Kim Pine, even if her role was severely reduced. Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Anna Kendrick give me two boners at once! Jason Schwartzman was at his smarmy best, but the guy who stole the show was Chris Evans. I said it before and I'll say it again, I was laughing at during the whole Lucas Lee scene.
It felt like watching a video game. The action scenes were fantastic. This is what video game movies should be. You should watch this. I understand if you want to wait for it to come out on DVD, but get it right when it comes out. It's worth it.

A Movie You Should See: The Host

2010-08-26T13:23:00.008-04:00

This movie came out in 2006. Since then, I have tried to recommend it to as many people as possible, but a lot of you don't quite believe that it could be as awesome as I say it is. Well it is! I understand the hesitation, however, because it's a hard movie to describe. The only real way to describe it is as a Korean monster movie, and while this is an accurate description, it doesn't really do the movie justice. The movie focuses on a family. The patriarch is an old man who runs a snack shack on the shores of the Han River. He has three adult children, his daughter is a champion archer, one son is an alcoholic University graduate (that's pretty much all you get there) and another son is somewhat of a simpleton who lives with his father. This simpleton has a daughter. It is pretty obvious early on that he is absolutely devoted to her, though he has a hard time showing it. In fact the whole family is devoted to her, and it seems as though she is the glue that keeps this otherwise dysfunctional family together. Then some slimy gross monster crawls out of the Han River and steals her away.

No, it's not Ke$ha...

I'm not really spoiling anything for you as this happens pretty early and is mentioned in every synopsis. The scene where the monster emerges from the river is fantastic. Actually, pretty much every scene with the monster is fantastic. The special effects here are great in a way that you tend to forget that there are special effects at all. You can tell a lot of thought was put into how this amphibious mutation would move and interact with the humans it's stealing. It stumbles and slips when it's on land so it gets creative. I was impressed with how the monster was presented throughout the movie. There wasn't a slow build up to a showy reveal, it was just another character in a great story.

See? He fits right in!

As I said though, the focus is really on the family trying to find their missing child. Each character goes through personal growth, but it all seems pretty organic. The simpleton son is the one who grows most of all, driven almost insane by his desire to find his daughter being hindered by his inability to articulate it. The climax of his growth does seem a little forced (literally) but by this time you just want to see something good happen to him.

The acting in this movie is top notch. All of the actors are foreign (get it?) to me, but you can check them out here. There is an element of comedy throughout the movie that could seem corny in a movie like this but is pulled off do to the skill and interactions of the actors.
In conclusion, I absolutely love this movie. It has something for everybody. There's a rampaging monster, mean polluting Americans (yep! it's our fault!), government cover ups, personal growth, comedy, tragedy and fried squid!
I can't recommend this movie enough. I give it an A+. Watch it!

A Horror Movie I Kinda Want To See

2010-08-24T15:17:00.001-04:00

I don't like horror movies. There, I said it. I find no joy in being startled or scared, I get that enough from my doorbell. Every once in a while, however, a horror movie comes around that I actually want to see. Well, usually it's sci fi or a supernatural thriller, and not just a hack n slash gore fest. This time it's Devil. I don't know why, but this preview really interests me. I think it's a pretty interesting and scary premise. Strangers trapped in an elevator with crazy things happening when the lights go out. It looks fun.
This movie is not directed by M. Night Shyamalan, only written by him. I think putting his name in the trailer will be less of a benefit than it used to be. The thing is, he is pretty good a writing thrillers. I really enjoyed The Sixth Sense and Signs. I think he got a bit caught up on the twist ending thing, but if you ignore that, the guy knows how to make a good movie. I hope this movie doesn't try to have a huge twist, but I think they'll try to stump us with the mystery of who the Devil (or whatever). For the record I'm guessing it's the brunette woman. She says something ominous in the beginning and is the first to be attacked (red herring?)... but who knows.
Anyway, it looks interesting. You may not think so, but I do. One of the only other horror movies I really liked was The Descent, another very claustrophobic thriller. Other than that I can't think of many horror movies that I really enjoyed.

DC Universe Online

2010-07-26T17:47:00.005-04:00

I have been casually following news about this game for what feels like several years now, never quite believing it would ever be finished. But now they unleash this awesome looking trailer and a release date of November 2010? I am officially excited for this game. I realize the video is not fully visible yet. Until I fix this (which might never happen) you can view it here.

More Scott Pilgrim

2010-07-14T14:42:00.003-04:00

The final Scott Pilgrim book comes out next week! I am very excited. I am also psyched about the movie which comes out in August. Here is a neat little remix for you.

No Contest

2010-07-13T16:21:00.002-04:00

Predators

2010-07-12T16:48:00.011-04:00

The first thing I'm going to say about Predators is that if you liked the original Predator movie, you'll like this one. Personally, I loved the first one, it remains one of my personal favorites. This new installment does a great job of remaining faithful to the spirit of the original while adding some good stuff. If this had been only sequel, critics probably would have panned it for being a mindless rehash, but since we've had three disappointing movies featuring those pesky alien hunters in the last 20 years, Predators feels like a refreshing return to what made the first movie such a hit in the first place.

The plot is simple enough. A bunch of of bad-asses wake up while parachuting down to some alien jungle planet. It turns out that they were picked to be hunted in some game reserve. The return to the jungle was a good move, that's where the Predator belongs, not in some "Concrete Jungle". That's a stupid saying and nothing good can come from it.

Nothing!

What struck me what how much this movie actually felt like the original, even after 23 years. The classic score was present throughout the entire film (Though I was baffled by the song that came on with the credits...) and there wasn't a gratuitous use of CGI. I was worried about the addition of "dogs" and other creatures but they ended up using birds. The Predators are open to all techniques of hunting their prey, even using dogs to flush them out or birds to scout. I also liked the fact that humans aren't the only prey that were stranded on the planet.

The humans were an eclectic group of toughies. Members of the group of prey hailed from Russia, Japan (complete with katana slicing action!), Mexico, Africa, South America, and five from America (because we are the toughest!)

What, no Australians? What a croc!

The acting was fine. Danny Trejo was as solid as ever. Laurence Fishburne had a good role. It became evident pretty early that he was no Morpheus coming to save the day. Alice Braga did a fine job as the nicest Most Dangerous Woman on the Planet you ever hope to meet. I feared that they would make her nothing more than a damsel in distress, and while Adrien did save her several times, she did plenty of saving herself. Topher Grace was actually more of the damsel in distress. I had made some jokes about how he didn't seem to belong with the rest, which was something that turned out to be a bit of a plot point. The answer came in a very predictable way, but I still enjoyed having him in the film. He added some "everyman" feeling to the cast, and had some of the funniest lines. Adrien Brody did a fine job, of course. The guy can act, and his reluctant leader loner tough guy had more depth than most do. Still, when he was half naked and covered in mud, he just didn't look as impressive as Arnold.

I do have one big complaint, though it's not about the movie itself, it's about the trailer. Trailers can be deceiving, as you all know. But I absolutely hate when a trailer lies. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen, and Predators is guilty of it. This might be a bit spoilery but it bugged the shit out of me. The thing is, if you have seen a trailer for Predators at all, you've seen this scene. If you haven't, here it is. The guilty scene is at 1:25. It is a very iconic scene that gets you excited because there are so many Predators. Well, it's a fucking lie! The only targeting reticle in that scene is the first one. The rest aren't there at all! I count 15 reticles, but there aren't even that many Predators in the entire movie! This just pisses me off because it's so manipulative. It's a minor deception, but a deception nonetheless. I hate that shit!

Regardless, as I said before, if you liked the first movie, you'll like this one. It's a solid sci-fi action movie that doesn't try to be anything more. I was impressed so I'm giving it an A. I should knock that grade down because that shit with the trailer is basically cheating, but oh well.

A parting gift because I thought this was funny...

Summer Movies Part 1

2010-06-23T16:25:00.015-04:00

Summertime is always a fun season for movies, particularly for comic fans like myself. The summer blockbuster has become a pretty steep competition between studios, with questionable results. They can't all be winners, I guess. Here's what I think of a few of the big ones...

Iron Man 2: Saw it and liked it. I've never been a fan of Iron Man as a character, so I was surprised at how much I enjoyed these movies. As sequels go, this was a pretty good one. The additions (and changes) to the cast were all strong, and the returning players were still as good as in the original. My favorite addition was Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer. That guy can do no wrong in my book. I'm glad Scarlett Johansson didn't put on a fake Russian accent, but I was disappointed that Black Widow didn't have one. I guess that's unfair because Mickey Rourke's accent was fine, so there's no reason to think Scarlett's wouldn't have been. Robert Downey Jr. owns Tony Stark of course. There was a half hour in the middle that got a bit boring, and the final action scene was a bit disappointing, and but all in all, it was a fun movie.

Robin Hood: No thanks. Russell Crowe is old and annoying and I just don't see him as Robin Hood. Also, this looks like some big war epic (like Gladiator) but I like my Robin Hood stories to be about a gang of thieves hiding in Sherwood Forest, stealing from the rich, giving to the poor. I know some people who have seen it and liked it, so maybe I'll get it on netflix eventually...

Why mess with classics, anyways?

MacGruber: I don't watch SNL, I've never seen these skits. I'd rather have a normal MacGyver movie (starring Richard Dean Anderson) than this spoof.

Shrek Forever After: All of the Shrek movies are fun and clever, but I'm not too worried about catching them in the theater. I get tired of these animated movies being too full of pop culture gags, but the Shrek movies seems immune to my annoyance. Maybe their gags are more clever than the rest...

Sex and the City 2: I'm sure it'll be a lot like this.

Prince of Persia: Jake Gyllenhaal is one of my favorite actors and he usually picks solid roles. Even if the concept of the movie or character is stupid (I'm looking at you, Bubble Boy) he usually puts his all into the role. It looks like he's just in this for the paycheck, though. I'm afraid not even he can save this movie. When I first saw the preview for this movie, it was shown with the previews for Clash of the Titans and Sorcerer's Apprentice and all three previews were set up exactly the same. CGI CGI clever quip CGI hot girl CGI flipping around rumbling sound villain CGI title. I saw Clash of the Titans and was not impressed. I'm sure Gyllenhall, Arteron, Kingsley, Molina will do fine, but it doesn't look like their going to have much to work with. Who knows, maybe it will be awesome. We'll see in about six months.

Get him to the Greek: Could be funny or could be stupid. I've always liked Jonah Hill but never had much use for Russell Brand. He looks like he tries too hard to look like he doesn't try. I heard P. Diddy did a good job. Well good for him, he could use the money.

Splice: I've heard great things, but I'm too scared to go see this.

The A-Team: I enjoyed this movie. I said my piece here.

Karate Kid: Blah. The Movie Maven says it better than I could.

Jonah Hex: Already talked about it here.

Toy Story 3: I'm sure this will be fantastic. I was a bit bummed when, after Up, I heard that Pixar's next two movies were sequels (particularly because I have an unreasonable dislike for Cars), but Toy Story 2 was good so who cares. I probably won't see it in the theaters though. Apparently Michael Keaton's Ken is a really funny villain. I don't know who this Blake Clark is, thinking he can imitate the late great Jim Varney, but I guess someone has to.

Knight and Day: Tom Cruise is trying to get on our good side again, and he's bringing Cameron Diaz along to help. This movie does not appeal to me at all. Unlike most of you, I don't hate Tom for jumping on Oprah's couch or being a spokesperson for a weird religion. At least he hasn't been openly racist or anything

Right, Mel?

He just annoys me and the preview for this movie annoys me. There are several scenes where ridiculous shit happens. For example, he's riding on the rook of a car and another car is flipping toward them or something and he narrowly dodges a flying car. Or how about when they're driving the motorcycle and she flips around and shoots both guns backwards. These scenes are stupid looking. Maybe if they were superheroes or cyborgs or something but these action movies have these normal people doing more and more extraordinary things and we're supposed to buy it? It bugs me. I guess it's nothing new, but damn.

Grown Ups: Adam Sandler hasn't made a funny movie since 1998 but I'm not sure that even applies here. I think this movie is one of those feel good family dramedy's dressed up as a comedy. I'm willing to bet that the funniest parts of the movie are in the preview. There will be some theme about growing up and connecting with children, blah blah blah...

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: I admit that I read the first two Twilight books. My whole family loved them so they say I had to read them. They were easy enough to read. I started reading the third one. I got a few chapters in, I remember the exact moment I stopped. I was sitting on the toilet and I literally threw the book across the room in disgust. The book was more disgusting to me than the pile of crap I was creating. Worse than shit. The movies are even worse than that! I am so sick of seeing these pale kids with stupid hair and their Zoolander poses and being told they are the most beautiful people ever. These movies are dumb, If one more person compares them to Harry Potter, we are going to have serious words!

Like Avada Kedavra!

The Last Airbender: I think this will be pretty good. A lot of people are up in arms about the fact that there are absolutely no Asians cast, despite the fact that the original show celebrated different Asian cultures. I can see why people are upset by this, but it's really nothing new.

It could be worse...

The thing is, I think M. Night Shyamalan is a very talented director. It's too bad that he seemed to have pigeonheld (pigeonholded?) himself in the twist ending plot device. This seems to be his attempt to escape that. The thing is, his annoying tendency to seemingly try to outsmart us began to overshadow the fact that his movies were pretty well made. I think this one will be pretty good too, if people can get past being offended.

Predators: I love the original Predator movie. It remains one of my personal favorites. I enjoyed the sequel, and choose to ignore the glaring flaws. I even liked the first AVP, if only because of the concept (I did not see the sequel). I think Robert Rodriguez is a good fit for a director and will do the franchise justice. I like the concept behind it: a group of the worlds most dangerous people find themselves on a planet that serves as the Predator's hunting preserve. I have a few misgivings; the fact that there is only one woman always bother me. It makes it seems like she's a token, the damsel in distress. Also, the one asian in the group is proficient with a sword, of course. Isn't that cliche by now? Another thing, second billed on imdb is Topher Grace. I haven't noticed him in the previews so I don't know his role, but I doubt I could buy him as one of the most dangerous men on the planet. Apparently he's a serial killer or something. I am looking forward to this. I noticed that there wasn't a lot of CGI in the trailer, which is heartening. We shall see.

Zombies on the brain

2010-06-22T21:30:00.009-04:00

Over the last decade or so, zombies have become somewhat of a fad. It used to be that zombies could only be found in relatively cheesy horror movies, but now it seems liking zombies is the cool thing to do. I hate people who insist that they liked something before it was cool, so I won't say it here. (Even if it's the truth.)

Anyways, the benefit of such a surge in popularity is an increase in zombie related stories, across many mediums. This is a good thing with any subject, until said subject is over-exposed and then it becomes annoying. I fear that this may happen to the zombie genre (?), even more than I fear an actual zombie outbreak. But, until either of those things happen, we might as well sit back and enjoy the various forms of zombie fiction that ensue.

Like Zombie Strippers!

And there's a lot out there. Of course we are all aware of the movies. You can't talk about zombie movies without mentioning George Romero, who is pretty much credited with the creation of the zombie genre. His first movie, Night of the Living Dead (1968) is famous for not only scaring the crap out of us, but being a relevant social commentary as well. And there lies the true nature of a good zombie story. Zombies aren't the scariest monster ever imagined, but the effect they have on our society, and what people will do to survive, is what really draws our attention. World War Z is a fantastic book by Max Brooks that serves as an "oral history" of an all out war between humans and zombies. It really is a well written and fun book, I highly recommend it. But if I list every bit of interesting zombie-media, this would be a very long entry. There is an impressive amount of stuff out there, ranging from webcomics to music, and I just don't have time for it all. So I'm just going to cut to the cream of the crop.

Perhaps you've heard of this, The Walking Dead is an amazing comic book by Robert Kirkman. Yes, he's the same guy who writes my favorite superhero comic, Invincible, but that's not why I like it. This book follows a group of survivors across America during a zombie outbreak. Well duh! you might say, that's what they're all about! There's some truth to that, but this book is just so well written. Kirkman has a way of making you like his characters and then ripping your (and their) heart out. This book, which has gone over 70 issues, just keeps you guessing as to what will happen next. I tell you, I am more emotionally involved in this book than I have ever been towards any movie. But you're a comic geek, of course you're going to like it, you say? Well first of all, that's insulting, and you don't have to be such a jerk. Second, this book has hooked a lot of "non-comic" readers, including my wife and sister. In fact, my friend just bought the first compendium for his father for Father's Day and not even he reads comics. It's just that good. Still, you say, comics are expensive and for kids and I don't care enough to go buy this. Well, my lazy ignorant friend, you're in luck because T.V. once again will save the day!

Television, you magnificent bastard!

It turns out that AMC is currently filming pilot episodes of The Walking Dead to air in October. Naturally, I was a tad nervous when I heard this because live action television and comics haven't always made the best pairing, but I have faith in a) the source material, and b) the channel. AMC is home to two of my favorite shows, Mad Men and Breaking Bad (Yay alliteration!). Both shows are based on concepts that could easily be portrayed as cheesy. The former is about chauvinistic advertisers in the sixties (starring this guy), and the latter is about a high school chemistry teacher who, upon learning he has cancer, decides to cook and sell crystal meth (starring this guy). Both are incredibly addicting shows because they have such strong acting and writing. Were this show being made by a station like FOX, I'd be worried (FOX does occasionally make good shows, they just don't know what to do with them), but I have a lot of faith in AMC, so I am really looking forward to this show. Just don't let your baby watch:

Running to the A Team for Help

2010-06-19T16:46:00.007-04:00

Despite serious misgivings, I was all set on going to see Jonah Hex today. I had read some scathing reviews, but pretty much wanted to see it so I could write a negative review myself. Half the review was already written in my head as I was driving to the theater. I was going to lament the fact that the powers that be in Hollywood obviously don't understand what comic book fans really want, the death of good western movies, and how CGI is becoming seriously overused, blah blah blah. As I was in line to buy my ticket and I found myself staring at this movie poster:

I realized that the main reason I was considering watching this movie is because I've been on a bit of an old west kick recently. We've been watching the Deadwood DVD's and I've been playing Red Dead Redemption (fantastic game), so I think I was hoping for a good western movie. This poster does not represent a western movie. First of all, what kind of weapons is he holding? There's no six shooter in sight. Instead we see some gatling gun thingy, a crossbow flashlight, an orange of doom, and Megan Fox's requisite pea shooter (to prove she's tough). And that's where I got lost, gazing into Megan Fox's vacant stare. I realized that her inclusion in this movie is ultimately representative of what kind of film it would be; all flash and no substance. I know it's unfair to come to such conclusions about a movie before watching it, but I can't help it. I've been burned enough to know a flaming pile of shit when I see one, so I panicked and bought a ticket for The A-Team.

How was I sure The A-Team wasn't going to be a flaming pile of shit? I really wasn't, but I didn't have any expectations for it so I knew I couldn't be as disappointed. I've always liked Jonah Hex as a character, and I had always fantasized that the movie adaptation would be a return to the gritty westerns I grew up on like The Pale Rider and Back to the Future Part 3, but this looks like a CGI heavy cheese-fest made by people who never even read the comics. So I took my chances with The A-Team, cause you know, I'm not completely against CGI cheese-fests.

Right, James?

I think I made the right choice. I actually really enjoyed this movie. Sure, there was a lot of CGI and crazy action scenes, but they were fun. The final scene got a little ridiculous in this respect, but by this point I was pretty sold and forgave it. The thing is, I really liked the main characters, and although most of the action was borderline absurd, they seemed to realize it too, but were having too much fun to care, so why should I?

Liam Neeson was born to play a leader, so I never really doubted his cigar chomping Hannibal Smith. Hell, he could play Papa Smurf and I wouldn't complain *. There was no dressing up in different disguises for this guy, though, he was just the man with the plan. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson is no Mr. T, but I must say he's a better actor. He was responsible for some of the funniest moments in the film. Well, his interactions with Sharlto Copley's Murdock that is. Murdock was fricken funny! Sharlto has only been in two movies so far, but he's two for two in my book! He made me laugh out loud several times (When he thought he smelled gas on Face and lit him on fire to see if he was right was awesome). Bradley Cooper as Face was as handsome and cocky as you'd expect. His "chemistry" with Jessica Biel was annoying, and her character was pointless. It's a shame that the only female in the film was the weakest part. It doesn't have to be that way, but it seems to be the case in action films these days. The character was just written poorly. She doesn't really do anything except fall in love with Face. Finally Patrick Wilson was really fun to watch as the CIA agent, Lynch. John Hamm had a all too brief cameo that he was perfect for, of course.

So yeah, I really enjoyed this movie. It was a lot of fun. I never had a lot of love for the original show, so I didn't have expectations. It seems like they stayed pretty faithful to the spirit of the show, while eliminating some of the more corny stuff. I'm giving it an A because, come on, how can I not? Well, closer to an A- I guess, but it really was a fun movie.

* Literally seconds after typing this I learned that there is a Smurf movie coming out soon. Sheesh! Everything eighties is coming back, apparently.

Futurama + X Men = Awesome

2010-06-16T09:23:00.002-04:00

I think this is pretty cool:

Sandworms!

2010-06-04T21:52:00.011-04:00

This is a photo of a "sinkhole" in Guatemala:

The news organizations of the world report that this is a sinkhole that was revealed by the actions of a tropical storm. This is a report designed to conform with the publics general idea of how things work, and keep us all moving on our very merry way. The truth, however, is much more unsettling. Gosh darn sandworms! Now, the pure size of this hole, and the fact that it was tunneled through cement rules out the wussy desert loving Tremor worms.

Sorry Kevin, this is out of your league.

No, this hole is obviously the work of something much larger. It turns out that there is some truth to the novel Dune and mighty sandworms roam the world. These unstoppable juggernauts from below are insatiable, and could change the balance of earth as we know it. There are, however, factions who are prepared to battle, and hopefully control these beasts. Their tactic is to consume pound after pound of Spice (cinnamon) to gain characteristics of the Fremen, and learn how to tame these sandworms. So far, the only result is diabetes, but these C-Men (as they prefer to be called in reference to the cinnamon) are hopeful that diabetes is merely the first step toward total enlightenment.

He is the Kwisatz Haderach!

So for now, be vigilant of the ground you walk on. You never know what monsters lurk underneath. Also, sandworms are probably enraged by the sounds of masturbation, so you'd better just cut that out altogether. You've been warned.

A Movie Better Than the Book? Kick Ass!

2010-04-23T11:35:00.016-04:00

There are two types of people in the world; those who buy comic books, and those who don't. It's common for people who don't read comics to look down on comics and assume that they're all silly "funny pages" for kids. The thing is the comic book industry has a pretty diverse offering, with something for everybody. It's like the movie industry in a lot of ways. There are big companies, and small independent companies. There are summer blockbusters and surprise hits. Certain creators and artists are more famous than others and have a fan following.

Superstar!

For example, John Romita Jr. is a very well known artist, like his father. I think his art is always fantastic. These days, having his name on a book is pretty much guaranteed success. If you're the type of person who really only buys comics for the art, then the Kick Ass book is worth you're time. However, if you're into good writing, you might want to give this book a pass. Mark Millar is the writer and, if we're sticking to the movie analogy, I think he fancies himself a Quentin Tarantino. They do share a fondness for violence and cuss words but Tarantino is much better at creating characters you care about and root for. You can't tell me you weren't psyched for Kiddo to finally kill Bill, or for the girl in Inglourious Basterds to finally get her revenge. No, I think Millar is more like Michael Bay. Both are big on "witty" one-liners and huge explosions (splash pages) to distract us from the fact that we really don't care what happens to these people. That's how I felt about the characters in the Kick Ass book, particularly the main character.

I don't want to talk about the book, I want to talk about the movie. To be honest, I didn't hate the book, but there were a few moments and details that ruined it for me. It seems like the creators of the movie read my mind because those moments and details were the things that were changed for the movie, and it made it a much more enjoyable experience for me. My wife really liked this movie as well, which was surprising as she pretty much only came with me cause I promised to see Sex and the City 2 with her. When asked what her favorite part of the movie was, she said Hit Girl (played by Chloe Moretz). I think this is interesting because most of the negative reviews I've read about this movie could not get past the fact that there's an 11 year old girl cussing and killing people by the bus load. Something about the disintegrating moral fabric of America or some stuff. Little kids doing bad stuff in movies is nothing new. Have these critics seen Kids, or The Good Son or Pet Cemetery?

Fucking kids!

I also liked the Hit Girl character, which, again, I find interesting because I hated Chloe Moretz's character in (500) Days of Summer. Seriously, she almost ruined that movie for me. She was this know-it-all little tough girl who acted far too mature for her age to be believable. The same could be said for Hit Girl, but once you learn the tragic back story of her and her Daddy, you will believe that this girl was raised to be a remorseless, foul mouthed little killing machine. Nicholas Cage plays Big Daddy in a role that restores a lot of my faith in the unpredictable actor. I subscribe to the theory that the quality of Nick Cage's movies is inversely proportional to the length of his hair. The longer his hair, the crappier the movie. Well, his hair was mighty short in this movie. You could really see why this man turned the mass murder of mobsters into a game for his daughter. There is a flashback that consists of beautifully rendered 3D art by John Romita Jr. himself that tells Big Daddy's backstory. It was a great scene which really made you root for this pair of avengers (a back story and character development which was not part of the book at all).

My favorite character in this movie was McLovin' as Red Mist. It's hard to take him seriously, but he did manage to portray himself as a threat. He showed surprising range as the villain of this story. In fact, there were a lot of good performances in this movie. Aaron Johnson was solid as the lead. I liked his Dave Lizewski a lot, whereas I hated to book's Dave. He decides to try to be a superhero because he couldn't figure out why no one has before. He sucks at it, but he does manage to grow throughout the story and does the right think at the end.

Purists might say that I obviously didn't get what Millar was going for if I didn't like the book. Well I think I get what he was going for, I just don't think he got there. The same purists would say that the "improvements" added to the movie ruined the story and turned it into a happier Hollywood version that ignored the "realistic" vision Millar was going for. Well I think a lot of people confuse dark and depressing with realistic. Yes, the real world can be dark and depressing. Unfortunately, for some people, that's all it is. But I don't think that it's a prerequisite for a realistic story. The world can be happy and fun as well, and I think this movie has a good mix of both.

My favorite part of the movie was the (one sided) fight scene between Big Daddy and a bunch of goons in the warehouse. That scene was just awesome. A large part of that is because of the music playing; A haunting score which also showed up in 28 Days Later. This scene just pumped me up. In fact, all the action scenes were well done and a lot of fun. My favorite line was at the end when Red Mist says "Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, you dumbass."

So I thought this movie was a lot of fun. It's not perfect, and it's definitely not for everybody. There were some changes from the book that I thought were dumb, like the weapon Kick Ass wields at the end of the film. But as far as an adaptation goes I thought it was very well done. I thought it stayed true to the story enough but changed some details just enough to make it more accessible to viewers. It's too bad it didn't do well in the box office, but I didn't really expect it to. I think it will do pretty well on DVD, but who knows.

Anyway, I give the movie an A-

Clash of the Titans

2010-04-22T16:27:00.012-04:00

When I first heard they were remaking Clash of the Titans I was enthusiastic. I love Greek Mythology and I remember thinking the special effects of the 1981 version were so bad, it's gonna be awesome with modern CGI. Then I started seeing previews and stuff looked cool, but doubts started creeping in. But look at that cast! There's no way Liam Neeson or Ralph Fiennes would be in a bad movie (I had apparently cast The Phantom Menace and Maid in Manhattan out of my memory). A part of me was wary of this film, but I remained enthusiastic.

I need to listen to my gut more.

First of all, I guess the acting was OK. I'm not really a good judge of that. Unless someone is glaringly awful, I take the performances at face value. So in that respect, the movie seemed fine. I thought Fiennes' Hades was a little campy, but he was trying to go for something different than Voldemort.

(The god of death is so emo!)

Liam Neeson was fine as Zeus. Danny Huston was wasted as Poseidon. Sam Worthington is the same character as he was in Terminator: Salvation and Avatar. That doesn't mean he's a bad actor, it worked for the role. Fight monster, ruminate on what it means to be a man, fight another monster, rally troops, fight again. Apparently his character and Io (played by Gemma Arterton) fell in love during the journey. I must have missed when this happened. It probably happened when I went to take a piss. She just looked high during the whole movie. Maybe he slipped her something...

(She like, totally loves Perseus)

The plot. To be perfectly honest, I'm still not sure what it was. Perseus was on a journey to save... a town... for some reason. The Gods are pissed, Hades plays Zeus for a fool, and only Perseus can stop him. Honestly, I'm found myself pretty bored by it all. Medusa was neat, but the Kraken scene was kind of silly. It's just one long chase scene in and out of tentacles. It actually ended with a "Hades will be back, but we'll be there to stop him" conversation which I had to roll my eyes at, which sucked because I had a pretty bad headache at this point...

...because of the stupid useless fucking 3D! I am going to avoid bitching about 3D in general. Because my left eye refuses to be a team player I can't see 3D. That's fine, I've learned to live with it and I rarely crash my car.

(I feel your pain, brother.)

Avatar showed that with the right technology and planning 3D can make a good movie fucking awesome. But Avatar was filmed with that in mind. They had specific cameras designed for 3D. with Clash of the Titans, the 3D seemed like an afterthought. It did not add anything to the movie, in fact, it was just distracting. I watched most of the film with my glasses off and most of the time the 3D was only in the background. I was pretty pointless. This is a prime example of how gimmicky 3D has become.

If you're huge into Greek Mythology, then go ahead and see this in the theater. For the rest of you, you might as well wait for DVD. Or wait for it to show on T.V. You're not really missing much.

My final grade for Clash of the Titans is D.

Marvel versus Capcom 3?!

2010-04-20T15:36:00.007-04:00

If you told me I could only play one video game for the rest of my life my response would be "Dude, why you being such a dick?" After you explained yourself and made it clear I had no choice I would say Marvel Versus Capcom 2. Or, that would have been my answer for the last 10 years. It looks like my new choice might be Marvel Versus Capcom 3.

I'm not saying MVC2 is the best game ever, nor is it the best fighting game ever, but it is my favorite. Other fighting games can boast three dimensions, fatalities, and bouncing boobies. MVC2 is just super fast 2-D action that offers over 50 characters from Marvel comics and Capcom games.

(Yes, Wolverine is in there twice. He's that awesome.)

We used to play this game all the time in college. Seriously, as much as possible. The game is not without its flaws, namely the awful repetitive music. But you just mute that, crank the WinAmp (yep, that), and you can play for hours. But the great thing about this game is I keep going back to it. When it became DLC for PS3 I yoinked that shit right up. It's just that much of a classic. I am a huge fan of this game.

(OK, not that big of a fan)

Well needless to say I am psyched about MVC3. There are going to be a lot more characters, but hopefully they keep the frantic speed and tag team controls. Here is the teaser trailer for your viewing pleasure:

Dancing with... some people

2010-04-19T19:30:00.006-04:00

Reality television. Like two trashy girls outside a Sbarro's in the food court fighting about and even trashier guy it's loud, obnoxious, pointless, and will keep going on as long as people are watching. And we keep watching, don't we?

Yes, I said we, unfortunately. I am currently typing this while my wife is watching Dancing With the Stars. I could just type this in another room, but I'm not. I keep watching. I am part of the problem.

You know the concept of this show, the title leaves little to the imagination. The thing is, are these people stars? I guess there are various degrees of stardom. I guess a couple of these people are B list, but most are C or D list. I think it's pretty sad when the most famous person on the show is Pamela Anderson. I guess I would call her B list, even though she's on the Hepatitis C list. Then there was Shannen Doherty, but I bet there's a whole generation who doesn't know who she is. If the world were fair, Buzz Aldrin would be the most famous cause he, you know, actually accomplished something. But alas, the second man on the moon was the second voted off... try not to put any of that into perspective, it's depressing.

Then you have a soap star, a pussycat doll, an ESPN reporter, a figure skater, the reno 911 woman, a football player and two reality "stars". The Bachelor (not the first one, the latest one) and a woman who's famous for being a negligent mom and bitch to her husband. Can they even do that? Well Gosellin is the most talked about contestant, and she can't dance worth shit. Seriously, my dog scratching her ass on the carpet has better rhythm . But she'll stay on because people talk about her. She'll bitch and cry every week, but she'll stay. My vote is for Erin Andrews.

Oh good, during commercials we're flipping to a Paris Hilton show. Fucking awesome. At least DWTS requires these people to work and show some skill. In fact, there is one reality show that I do like to watch. At risk of calling question to my heterosexuality, I have to admit it's Project Runway. It's interesting to see the contestants create new outfits each week. It's a skill that is completely foreign to me, so I find it fascinating. Also, models.

(Yeah, this show is soooooo gay!)

So this isn't the first time I've bitched about reality t.v. and it won't be the last. I guess I should learn to live with it. I guess we are only watching till 9 then watching more Breaking Bad so yay me! Just remember people, especially you young ones. Don't try to act like the people do on these shows. All these people are acting, despite what the genre is supposed to be about. It's all filler and fake drama. Make sure you're drama is real please. And don't fight in my mall please.

My Top 10 Favorite Webcomics

2010-03-26T14:04:00.000-04:00

10. Something Positive

This one has to make the list because it was the first webcomic I really got into. To be honest, I haven't followed it in years. The cast got pretty large and a lot of various subplots developed that I just lost interest in. This is an example of what I call "narrative" style webcomics. There is an overarching story that is relatively grounded in reality. These types (which make about half my list) are successful if they create likable characters with interesting stories. That doesn't mean things don't get random or unrealistic, but for the most part things stay focused on the characters. Something Positive has a very cynical and sarcastic tone which just started to wear on me after a while. I do like to check in once in a while and I also really like Randy's side project Super Stupor, but it rarely updates. Here is the first Something Positive comic, which really sums up the attitude of the series. (The art has improved a lot, though).

9. Shortpacked! by David Willis

This is another "narrative" type comic, but it has enough Batman and Transformers jokes to keep me tuning in. The central cast is a group of weirdos that work in a toy store. You can really tell that the writer is an avid toy collector, namely transformers. Frankly, I don't get all the transformers in-jokes but the writer has the seemingly accurate assumption that batman can be funny in almost any situation. Also, Ronald Reagan is a regular character (he's apparently not dead, just working in a toy store) and there's a guy named Ninja Rick.

8. Diesel Sweeties by R. Stevens

Another one that I don't follow regularly but I like to check up on this one from time to time. It features a number of reoccurring characters, but there isn't too much actual story. It's mostly about robots, sex, clever pick-up lines, puns, and hipsters' ironic lack of irony. You don't have to follow this one to enjoy it, but you will probably miss out on a couple of the jokes. The art is simple but enjoyable.

7. Least I Could Do by Ryan Sohmer and Lar Desouza

LICD is all about a rich, good looking womanizer who's addicted to red bull and crazy stuff. Sound like someone you know? No? Not even a little? Well at least I'm addicted to red bull...

I noticed this comic when they did a run where Rayne (the main character) was in a concrete induced dream sequence where he was batman. It was really funny and got me interested. The main appeal for me is the art by Lar Desouza. I really like how he draws the characters. I tried to read the comics before Lar took over and didn't really like them. LICD is pretty wacky, and split into chapters, which is nice. I am getting a bit bored with it, though. A year ago it would have been higher on the list, and a year from now it will probably be lower. He's started doing a blatant Calvin & Hobbes rip-off every Sunday which I find a little annoying...

6. Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal by Zach Weiner (Tee hee!)

This is the first comic on my list that doesn't have any kind of story. Each comic is a separate entity of funny. I really like this guy's sense of humor, whether it be a witty observation or a dumb pun. He does a lot of nerdy humor, which I find more funny than most people probably will. This comic is good for a quick chuckle or occasional groan (the usual response to bad puns). It also has a hidden punch line to every comic which is a fun little bonus.

5. Amazing Super Powers by Wes and Tony

This comic is very similar to SMBC. Each comic is a separate joke, though there are some reoccurring characters. The art in this one is better in my opinion and while the humor in SMBC leans towards nerdy, the humor in this one is considerably darker. In fact, some punch lines border on wrong, but I still always chuckle. It also has a secret punch line.

4. Questionable Content by J. Jacques

This is my favorite of the "narrative" style comics, though I'm not entirely sure why. It follows half a dozen hipsters through their quirky conversations and love triangles. Also there are sentient computers and ipods. The art has improved greatly since the beginning but I the stories advance slowly and I don't think I get half the indy music jokes. I still follow it though. I just want to know what happens. There's a character, Hannelore, that really reminds me of my wife in a lot of ways, so maybe that's part of it. It really is pretty funny and I do want to see what happens next. (This example reminds me of my wife...)

3. Penny Arcade by Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik

If you read web comics at all than you probably have read this one. In fact a lot of people would be surprised that Penny Arcade is not in the number one position. This is arguably the most successful web comic out there. They have published several books and even have their own video game. There are two main characters, Gabe and Tycho, and several supporting characters, but there aint no plot! There is video game humor and violence and plenty of it. The writing is very snappy and the art is great. There is a reason why this is considered one of the best, but it's just not my favorite...

2. Subnormality by Winston Roundtree

This comic is smart, funny, and and awesome to look at. I'll admit that some of the comics are a bit too wordy for me, but if you do read it all, it's almost always worth it. Not all of the punch lines are supposed to be funny, sometimes he writes sad and poignant stories, but they're still really good. I would buy his book if he wrote one. He has a couple reoccurring characters, including a Sphinx, but each comic is stand alone. He also hates Nickleback with a passion.

1. XKCD by Randall Munroe

This is it! My favorite web comic. The art? Stick figures! The humor? Nerdy! But I love it! Maybe it's because it seems like something I could do myself. I am nowhere near that smart or clever though. This is my favorite because it makes me laugh out loud (or LOL) more than any other comic out there. I probably don't get every single joke, because there is a lot of programmer humor, but that's not all there is. If you hold the cursor over the comic, yo get an extra punchline. I love that shit. This comic is just funny, plain and simple. Read it.

Honorable Mention: - The Adventures of Dr. McNinja

- Garfield Minus Garfield

- Bigger Than Cheeses

- The Zombie Hunters

Bacon Mug!!!

2010-03-26T13:12:00.000-04:00

I was looking at this article about 10 ridiculous fatty meals here and I was just blown away by this one:

That is one of the most horrifying and awesome things I have ever seen!

Lo!

2010-03-25T17:15:00.001-04:00

A little while ago I was skimming through the list of instantly watchable movies on netflix.com and feeling pretty disappointed about my options when I came across this move called Lo. It was given 4 stars by users (which is pretty high for netflix) which intrigued me. It was labeled simultaneously horror, comedy, and romance. I like comedy, romance makes me a little nauseous, and horror makes me hide under the blankets. I was intrigued, but the wife was not, so Lo was ignored.

Recently, the wife got very sick and was stuck on the couch. We had to watch something to pass the time but nothing looked good. Time to summon Lo. The wife was falling asleep anyway...

So the movie starts out with a man in a dark room lit by only five candles that he uses in a ritual to summon a demon named Lo. Apparently the man's girlfriend was recently abducted by demons and he tries to command Lo to find and rescue her. Lo, however, seems more interested in eating him.

"I will now baptize you as Dinner."

"My name is Justin!"

"Dinner, you have to stop living in the past."

It was the witty dialog that really carried this film, which is a good thing because that's pretty much all there is. Watching this movie is like watching a play (I wouldn't be surprised if it was a play first). Of the three genres mentioned above, I would say the most prevalent one is comedy. A lot of the humor is pretty dark, but it is also pretty funny. Lo is creepy looking, and the atmosphere is grim, but I wouldn't call this a horror. There is a romantic element but this aint no Notebook. It turns out to be a rather poignant and philosophical look at love and the nature of creatures that are incapable of it.

I really enjoyed this movie, and despite an obviously low budget, this movie had strong performances, a compelling mystery, and a clever little twist that you'll probably figure out now that I informed you of its existence (who am I kidding? You would have got it anyway, you are so smart!).

It is very possible that you won't like this one, but I did. I was going to give it a B+, but because I really want to watch it again, I'm bumping it up to an A-.

Scott Pilgrim!

2010-03-25T14:58:00.000-04:00

OK so I am officially stoked for the Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World movie that comes out in August. I just watched the trailer and it makes me very excited. But I am a big fan of Scott Pilgrim. Who's Scott Pilgrim? The titular star of a series of comics by Bryan Lee O'Malley. I love these books. They are smart and funny and I would probably lend them to you if my dang brother-in-law would stop hogging them.

The main plot of the books is pretty simple. Scott finds the girl of his dreams (literally) but has to defeat her 7 evil exes. Scott himself is a lovable loser who seems to have a pretty charmed life. (One of my favorite lines from the books is "Scott if your life had a face, I would punch it. I would punch your life in the face." The five books that have been printed have established an extensive cast, 6 exes down, and a pretty compelling mystery about Ramona's true relationship with Gideon (#7). The sixth book is due out in July (a month before the movie? How conveeeeeniant.) and I can't wait to snatch it up.

But what about the movie? Well it looks like it covers the material from the five published books. My first fear is that this is a lot of material to cover in one movie. That's true for all book to movie projects, I guess, and these books are pretty quick reads. Also, the movie was made before the sixth (and final?) book was published so it pretty much guarantees a sequel.

OK so they cast Michael Cera as Scott Pilgrim. When Superbad came out I was psyched that George Michael Bluth was branching out into movies, until I realized that it was literally the same character in every single movie. I had my reservations about Cera in this role. Scott is often in over his head, whether it be battles with robots or normal conversation, but he is not mousy and under spoken like Cera seems to always be. Scott Pilgrim is actually very confident and somewhat sarcastic. The clips of him in the preview give me hope though. I didn't see a single stutter and or whimper, so I am hopeful.

How about Mary Elizabeth Winstead? There's not much I can say about her because my wife reads this, but let's just say I'm excited that she is Ramona. Also, Anna Kendrick. So hot. Maybe they'll kiss...

Speaking of lesbians, I am very pleased to see Ann Veal (her?) make an appearance as Roxy Richter. Chris Evans will be perfect as Lucas Lee! (But will he be perfect for Captain America? That's a question for another time. probably maybe). And Jason Schwartzman as Gideon? Gold.

None of that matters though because the movie is being directed by Edgar Wright. This man has yet to let me down. He directed Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and the television series Spaced. All of these programs were fantastic. Now, this will be his first real project without Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, and two do bring a lot to the table. But I think Wright has a great timing and really knows how to put together an action sequence, which is what this movie promises to deliver.

So I have moved from being cautiously optimistic about this movie to being really excited about it. This is dangerous territory for me, but fuck it! There aren't really any other movies coming out this year that I'm that excited for. Iron Man 2 could be fun, as could Clash of the Titans, but who knows.

If you want to watch the trailer, you can watch it here.

Birthday Photo Shoot

2010-03-08T19:55:00.000-05:00

This video was taken on Katie's birthday, 2010. Apparently we got group photos taken right outside Holocene, the bar we were at. I do not really remember this happening, but there is video evidence.

I really suck. Do over!

2010-03-08T14:41:00.000-05:00

it's 2010 and I didn't finish that movies of 2009 thing, and I'm not gonna. I'm not a reviewer. When a set a task like that for myself I over think it then avoid it. It was a dumb idea any way. I'll write what I want to write. I know I have lost your trust dear reader, but I will try to earn it back. Maybe.

I Suck. Here's Another Movie I Saw at the Theaters

2009-09-01T00:30:00.000-04:00

X-Men Origins: Wolverine B-

I always hate when someone brings up the Spiderman movies. Inevitably someone says to me, "you must love them because you're a Spiderman fan." And then I punch them in the face.

Let's get something straight once and for all. If a person is a fan of a comic book character, is does not mean that he/she will automatically enjoy the movie adaptation. In fact, it's usually the opposite. I don't really like the Spiderman movies. As for Wolverine, I've always liked the character in the comics. I think High Jackman is the best person to play him and I think he did a great job. The Weapon X / Team X stories are some of my personal favorites, I've even gone so far as to buy novelizations of Team X stories just because it involves Maverick, Wraith, Sabertooth, and my personal favorite, Deadpool. I love Deadpool! I also love Ryan Reynolds. You know another one of my favorite characters? Gambit. He was in the movie too! Wowsers! I must have loved this sonuvabitch!!!!

Wrong. I did not love it. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. It had some potential, but the story was kinda weak and had some pretty gaping plot holes. Like Paris Hilton's hoo-hoo gaping.

I apologize for that imagery, but the whole reasoning and planning behind getting Logan to volunteer becoming an unstoppable killing machine then spending the rest of the movie trying to kill the unstoppable killing machine just didn't make much sense. Maybe I expect too much from my evil government conspirators. Also, a bullet to a healing brain is definitely going to erase your memory. It's a fact.

I don't even want to talk about Deadpool or Gambit. Don't get me started on those too. Seriously, don't. OK I'll say one thing, Deadpool is "The Merc With A Mouth"!!! A mouth!!! Don't sew it shut FOR NO RAISIN!! And he's not Baraka!!

I did enjoy the action scenes and seeing some of the cameos. I will repeat that Hugh Jackman makes a great Wolverine. I actually liked Liev Schreiber as Sabertooth better than Tyler "Growling Equals Acting" Mane. Ryan Reynolds was good when he was briefly on screen and had a fucking mouth!!

OK so I'm done. Wolverine gets a B - . I don't have a nickname. That was a dumb idea.

Even More Movies I've seen in Theaters in 2009

2009-07-07T20:03:00.000-04:00

Adventureland. Grade: B -

I think a large draw of this movie would be nostalgia factor for people who were in their late 20's in the late 80's. At best I was 8 in the eighties and I didn't have a crappy job at a crappy amusement park were I mainly focused on getting drunk, high, and laid. In fact, I was a pretty clueless 8 year old and was only focusing on one of those things.

What can I say about Adventureland that the word "meh" doesn't already convey? It was entertaining. The comedy duo of Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader made me laugh a few times, but the rest of the movie, not so much. When it comes down to it, it's a love story. Yawn! The main guy was was nerdy and likable and the Twilight Girl is still biting her lip and banging dudes who are way to old for her...

So the fact that I don't have a lot to say about this movie says something about it. I enjoyed it at the time but it wasn't very memorable. For those of you born around 1970 this might ring a nostalgic bell. For the rest of you, it will just make you want to get high at an amusement park.

Super witty nickname: I'd Vent Her, Man!

Terminator: Salvation. Grade: B - (Super Special Katie Grade: C -)

I loved Terminator. I really liked Terminator 2. I watched Terminator 3 all the way through. I was psyched for Terminator: Salvation. Not only does this movie address the history (future) behind the war against the machines, it brings in Christian "Bad-Ass" Bale! And you're in luck, Dear Reader, he uses his Batman voice!!! Hoorah!!!*

So I gave you Katie's grade because she is not a fan of Terminator or robot fighting like I am so she had a much lower opinion of this movie than I did. Frankly, If you don't like big fights in post-apocalyptic settings than you could skip this, as there is not much else. The thing about the whole time-travel, John Connor messiah set-up is that it wasn't met to last four movies. Seriously, it was a cool idea for an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in 1984 but it was an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in 1984!! Arnold is an unstoppable robot from the future sent back to kill mom of Johnny Connor only to be confronted from Kyle Reese from future who only succeeds in conceiving little Johnny. The apparent plot holes in the first movie were blissfully ignored because is was an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in 1984!! Then sequels happened and it turns out that Terminator makes no fucking sense! This movie even actually tells you to ignore the time travel stuff and you should probably do that. Look! Explosions!

SPOILERS AHEAD!

I gotta talk about some stuff that you may not want to read if you are psyched to see this movie. First of all, the dude who signs something for Cyberdyne and then is killed only to come back in the future? He's a robot! BUM BUM BUUUMMMMM!!! Not only that, but he is the single most important part of Skynet's (super artificial intelligence in charge of all machines) new awesome plan to rid the world of that pesky John Connor. It turns out to be the most needlessly complex and asinine plan ever. Honestly, Skynet, you disappoint me. You want to kill John Connor, You know he wants to find Kyle Reese. You know Kyle Reese will thwart you in the past and become John's daddy. So you're plan is to make a stealth robot who doesn't know he's a robot to befriend Kyle, get him kidnapped by you so John will come to you, using your stealth robot to help John in so you can kill him? You have John's daddy, KILL HIM! SHOOT HIM BURN HIM SQUISH HIM DROWN HIM GAS HIM STAB HIM DEPRESS HIM SO HE KILLS HIMSELF! DON'T USE HIM AS BAIT! ONCE HE IS DEAD JOHN IS DEAD! GOD!

SPOILERS OVER

My point is, if you don't think about it too hard, this is a fun movie. There are some neat ideas and fun scenes but the plot itself is a little weak.

Super witty nickname: I got nothing. Honestly, I'm ashamed of that I'd Vent Her business...

*Sarcasm

Movies I have seen in the theater in 2009 so far. (Part 1)

2009-05-14T20:05:00.000-04:00

2009 has been a decent year so far. I have been to the movies six times which means I have spent about forty eight dollars on tickets and roughly sixteen million dollars on snacks. I have decided to share with you, dear reader, what I think about these movies. If you have seen them than you can argue with me all you want (though I warn you now, you will be wrong). If you haven’t seen them, maybe this will help you decide which ones to rent. Probably not, but whatever. Do what you want.
Because I am a teacher I will give each movie a letter grade based on the A – F plus minus system. A means awesome, F means fuck you give me my money back. Actually I have no F’s on this list. I am somewhat careful about what I’m going to go to the theaters to see. So here is my list from worst to best. Here are the first two:

Race to Witch Mountain. Grade: D

First of all, I want to point out that I was a chaperone on a school field trip where we went to Ben & Jerry’s and went to a movie. Race to Witch Mountain is what we saw. It was either this or Knowing and honestly, the quality of Nic Cage’s movies has an indirect proportion with the length of his hair, and his hair was pretty long in Knowing so no thanks. As for Witch Mountain, Disney can suck my ass. They make such crap nowadays. They only reason their animated movies are still good is because they bought Pixar. Seriously, they are the Yankees of the movie industry.
I loved Escape to Witch Mountain as a little Tristram so I was interested in this one. The only reason it didn’t get an F was because of the fuckin Rock. I love that guy and I think he’s a decent actor. The rest of the movie was crap. Why do directors think that they can fool us into thinking action is going on by just shaking the camera? You have no idea what you’re looking at so it must be an impressive action scene. That’s such amateur bullshit and it gives me a headache. Also, the kids in it are two beautiful Aryan specimens that are slightly more sexualized than kids that age have any right to be. What do you expect from the company that brought us Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers? Seriously, I don’t want to watch that shit. If Mickey Mouse were real he would be arrested as a pedophile.
My advice to you is to not let nostalgia talk you into paying money for this. I guess if you have a Dwayne Johnson collection this is a must have, but to the rest of you, stay away.
Super witty nickname: Race to Bitch Mountain!

The Watchmen. Grade: C+ ( B + as an adaptation, however)

I can not say enough about The Watchmen graphic novel. Seriously it’s a must-read for everybody. Go buy it right now and read it then give it to your grandmother. That book is one of the best pieces of literature out there, period. The movie, however, not so much. Snyder tried really hard to stay true to the book, and he succeeded to a fault. There were a lot of parts in the movie that were just corny because they were directly from the book. You have to admire that part of the film, but as a whole, the film just didn’t work that well. I thought Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan were awesome, and I thought Patrick Wilson was O.K. as Night Owl. What killed me was the Silk Spectre. She is the emotional center of the book, but Malin Ackerman was just cast for tits and ass. Oh and you see all that, in the most awkward sex scene ever! The action scenes were brutal which is cool, but enough with the slow motion shit. Other than in the first Matrix and any John Woo movie, slow motion in action scenes is a cliché substitute for real action. It’s as annoying as shaky cameras and actors on wires.
I do have to say that the ending in the movie actually made more sense than the ending in the book. I give them credit for that. This was never going to be that good of a movie, we all knew that. They never should have made it but Hollywood has to make money somehow.

super witty nickname: The Crotchmen!

space

I know it's only two movies so far and I apologize, dear reader. It's taking me longer than I thought and I am a busy man. I have seen seven movies in the theater so far so you have five more to look forward to. Hopefully I can finish them this weekend. But I will play disc golf when I can so suck it up.

Because I'm Too Drunk To Write A Lot

2009-04-24T22:03:00.000-04:00

I'm on vacation. It's Friday night. If you think about it too hard, those too statements nullify each other. No worries, I'm still determined to get drunk. Wait, but you may say "Tristram, you are at your in-laws, not going out, and earlier in the night your father in law lectured you on drinking too much and how fat you've gotten. Maybe you should lay off tonight." As always, fair reader, you are the brilliant voice of reason, but in the words of Jacques Cousteau when asked not to go into the ocean: "Fuck that shit!" (Note: He probably definitely said that).

So I'm kind of pretty drunk, but trying not to open my mouth for fear of revealing that I haven't in fact been nursing one beer for four hours (I hide the empties behind the dryer). So I shall rant and babble via internets. "But Tristram" injects the ever helpful reader "you have nothing to say!". So true, so true, you unseen genius, but the internets do and I shall steal from them and occasionally insert my own stinky brand of humor.

First of all, I need to feel good about myself. I have gained 30 pounds in the last two years, I live with my parents, and one of my toenails is just plain weird. Where better to feel better about yourself than failblog.org. Or, if your lazy Manofest posted this. Now, you can scroll through all 99 pics if you want, but I will share some of my faves here.

This is how my night would probably be going if Katie and I went out dancing:

I do not understand what kind of dance moves either of them are trying to pull off here. The dude looks like the Big Y though...

This one is just gross. Though I am impressed by the timing:

I used to think Venus Fly Traps were cool:

This one should be considered a success for the advertisers:

hahahahahahaha! (I hate kids)

Feel better about yourself? I sure do! "But Tristram" pipes in that delightful reader who's kinda getting on my nerves "It was a beautiful day and you didn't go frisbee golfing. In faact you haven't been in over a week."

This is true, asshole reader, but (un)luckily I saw this picture today so I have no desire to go near a frisbee ever again:

Oh, Donald MacArthur, you manimal! Well, that's just gross isn't it reader? Well it can't bring be down. Nothing can bring me down ever again because my penis has been imortalized. Hell yeah bitches!

I'm out of ideas, but so is America.

2009-04-14T18:00:00.000-04:00

Those few of you who were mildly entertained by this blog last summer may have noticed that I have not posted anything since September. I have a laundry list of things I could blame this inactivity on, but it all comes down to me being lazy and easily distracted by shiny things. I initially going to apologize to you, the reader, the whole me not writing anything, but fuck that! Does Hollywood apologize when they show a few tantalizing episodes of Lost then leave you hanging for weeks? NO! Do awesome bands like System of a Down apologize for not putting out a new album for years? NO! Does Lindsay Lohan apologize for not flashing her crotch to cameras for a couple of days?NO!

Great art takes time and we aint got no time America! We want to be entertained now! The average American television viewer is like a little fat kid who will scarf down Grandma's cottage cheese jello concoction just because there's just nothing better available. You know what? Grandma's just gonna keep serving you that shit because she thinks you like it. Man up and demand a proper dessert, like pie.

So what is the average American television viewer scarfing down? Well last weeks most watched shows on DVR are:

10 - CSI (I am dramatically taking off my sunglasse as I type this)

9 - Criminal Minds (what?)

8 - Desperate Housewives (More like Desperate Housewhores! Get it?)

7 - Heroes (I hear it's gotten better... I stopped watching...)

6 - 24 (another full day of Jack Bauer not using the bathroom)

5 - Office (ok, I like this show)

4 - House (You do know he's British, right?)

3 - American Idol (Hey, at least it's not #1)

2 - Grey's Anatomy (That shows so boring I can't even make a joke about it)

1 - American Idol (Oh no they didn't!)

Simon Cowell is a sneaky bastard! How did they make the list twice? I'll tell you how. You, America! You eat that shit up.

I will admit that American Idol was a cool idea. 10 FUCKING YEARS AGO! The first season was something new and different, and Kelly Clarkson was kinda hot, but they dragged it on and on and turned it into something that has no significance.None of the winners ever amount to anything.

---------------(We're #1! Also #3 for some reason!)---------------

Wait Tris, what about that chick who won an oscar, Jennifer Hudson. She came in 8th place! She's good enough for the academy, but not Simon, Paula and Rowlf the Dawg!

I'm not calling you stupid or anything if you like these shows. I honestly have never watched House or 24 or any of these shows really. I watch Office and I used to watch Heroes. Even Office has run its course in my opinion. These shows are usually pretty good for a season or two and then get stale. But no one will let them die! The Brits have a two year limit on their shows and sometimes thats a good idea.

OK I'm done. I've got nothing else...

The battle of the millenium!

2008-09-25T19:33:00.000-04:00

November is right around the corner and one question is on everybody's mind: Who would win in a fight between Batman and Spiderman? The fate of the free world is at stake and this debate is ripping this country in half. Yet, a large part of the country is distracted by this McCain/Obama debacle. Now, I can't predict the outcome to either of these showdowns, but I do have my opinions. And now, thanks to some art from a Entertainment Weekly issue over the summer, I feel obliged to combine the two!

Obama/Spiderman vs. McCain/Batman!

McCain/Batman
The older of the two fighters and seen as the more experienced and “battle tested”. He has a tragic past which some say drives his present activities. Although a strong leader and confident tactician, one of his biggest weapons is fear. There is danger on every doorstep and it must be constantly dealt with by any means necessary, even if the normal people don’t understand these means. Those means, after all, will eventually be justified by the ends. He’s always wearing a snazzy belt which may or may not have a hidden stash of kryptonite. He is reputed to have quite the temper, though this could be exaggerated. The truth is, people tend to have a limited view on this man, focusing on one aspect of a multi-faceted individual. Some people see a war hero and a natural leader, some see an old man in a young man’s game, and some see an accomplice in a budding fascist regime.

Obama/Spiderman
This fighter may lack experience, but he seems to make up for it with a quick wit and good intentions. He seems to be in this fight for all the right reasons. He has great power and consistently claims that he uses it responsibly, but how much do we really know about his intentions? There are news organizations (Fox News / Daily Bugle) that view this man as a fraud and a liar and exploit every opportunity to support these claims. Some disregard this as meaningless vitriol while others hang on every word as if it were gospel. So who's right? Is this man virtuous hero he claims to be or is he just a power hungry con artist? Is his youth and ambition an asset or a liability? I am pretty sure that he could not win this battle using defense alone. We can anticipate that his opponent will have a very strong offense, and history had shown us that taking the high road and not fighting back against an opponent like this can be disastrous. Do you remember John Kerry's platform, or any of the Riddler's riddles? I don't either, but I do remember flip-flopping and ass-kicking! Integrity is a neat looking word, but sometimes the enemy will take the low blow and you have to respond or lose. Fortunately, this fighter seems to be able to see attacks coming and respond accordingly. But will he be able to keep it up?

So there you have it, no answers, just more questions. Who knows what will happen? I certainly don't. I guess it's all moot because they would both be creamed by Al Gore/Captain Planet. Heart!!!

Non-lethal notes on Death Note.

2008-08-12T17:59:00.000-04:00

I like anime for the most part. Because I have the netflix, I can try out new shows for free so I am trying this one show called Death Note. This show is found in the horror-anime section, but it’s more of a detective story. The main character is a 17 year old student who can kill anyone by writing their name in a notebook that some weird demon guy (that only he can see) dropped. Our main character thinks he’s a hero but he descends into villainy. He is pursued by a super detective known only as “L”.

So do I like this show? Yeah I do. Do I think you’ll like it? I don’t know. Here’s a little test to see.

The following is a conversation about Death Note based on conversations found in Death Note between myself and an invisible demon guy who cares about my opinion on anime:

Me: I’ve been watching Death Note and for the most part I’m enjoying it.
Demon: You like what you see so far of the Death Note Anime?
Me: Yeah, I like it for the most part, but after watching several episodes I get a little annoyed by the repetitive, expository dialogue.
Demon: You’re annoyed by the dialogue that repeats itself and is constantly giving information that has already been given?
Me: It’s not to say that what they have to say isn’t interesting, in fact there are some very interesting themes at play that are communicated mostly through dialogue instead of action.
Demon (internal monologue): Amazing! This human mostly likes Death Note but is annoyed by the dialogue while recognizing the importance of such dialogue to the story…
Me: The main plot of a story is a cat and mouse game between a super smart killer who thinks he’s a hero and a super smart detective, which is pretty interesting. The problem is that every move they make and clue they discover is followed by them wordily explaining what they did and why they did it.
Demon: A cat and mouse game between a super smart killer who thinks he’s a hero and a super smart detective would be hard to follow if they didn’t tell you what was going on, wouldn’t it?
Me: That’s true, a cat and mouse game between a super smart killer who thinks he’s a hero and a super smart detective would be hard to follow if they didn’t tell you what was going on, but they a constantly rehashing information that has already been given several times.
Demon: Constantly rehashing information that has already been given several times? It sounds like the dialogue in series is pretty repetitive and expository. That could get annoying.
Me: Yes it does get annoying, but I like the series for the most part. It doesn’t have a lot of action, but the animation is cool and the plot moves just fast enough for me to stay to see what happens next.
Demon: So it’s not all bad if the plot moves just fast enough for you to stay to see what happens next.
Me: Yeah it’s not all bad, but there are some other little quirks that throw me off, like the dramatic simultaneous exclamations.
Demon: Dramatic simultaneous exclamations?
Me: Indeed. It usually happens at the end of the episodes where the two main characters are displaying their mutual resolve (usually talking to themselves) and than start saying the same thing…
Demon: So they are both leading to the same point and getting excited about it…
Me: …and the music builds just in time for the…
Demon: …and they say the same thing which results in…
Me and Demon at the same time: DRAMATIC SIMULTANEUS EXCLAMATION!!!!!
Me (internal monologue): Which isn’t too bad when used sparingly and the exclamations aren’t inane like “EATING A POTATO CHIP!!!” which did actually happen once.

Are you still with me? If so, you may enjoy this series. If not, than you have no attention span, and since you’re not even reading this I can tell you that you are what’s wrong with today’s society and I hope you get an STD from all that celebrity gossip trash you’re probably reading instead!

That being said, I’m going to wrap this up. I’m only eight episodes into this series so my opinion might change but right now I’d give this show 3 stars out of 5. Apparently there is a live action movie out based on this series. Because I’m such a good friend, I’ll check it out so you don’t have to. No need to thank me, just send Red Bull.

Even more crap!

2008-07-23T19:46:00.000-04:00

I've been watching a lot of South Park lately. I haven't had cable for years so I've had some catching up to do. I love the internet. Now I think South Park is smart and very funny. Watching eight episodes in a row, however, serves to show how repetitive it can be. They are constantly challenging social trends, but they tend to use the same movie satires and dramatizations to carry their message. Whether or not you love or hate the show, you can always find at least a kernel of truth in their message.

This is true of one episode I watched recently titled More Crap. This episode is from season 11 and to you rich cool people with cable this may seem like old news, but I just saw it for the first time so shut up. Basically there were two main themes in this episode. First, men are especially proud of their bowel movements, something women will never understand. Second, Bono does a lot of good things for the world but he still seems like a piece of crap.

Look at the look of awe on the men's faces and annoyance and confusion on the women's. I'll be the first to admit having felt a certain amount of pride for an especially large poo. I have also been called in by certain friends to observe their own fecal creation. What's with that?

It has been theorized that men have womb envy, and pride of poop stems from that. It makes some sense I guess. Every single day we interact with awesome things that women have crapped out: us. Hell, we ourselves are living lady craps. Maybe that knowledge haunts us men and we want to be able to produce something important too. Well when faced with this suggestion I did what everybody seeking knowledge does. I consulted that "Tome of Knowledge About Everything Everywhere": Wikipedia.

Here is an interesting passage about Womb Envy from wikipedia: Womb envy, a term coined by Karen Horney, is the neo-Freudian feminist equivalent of penis envy. Horney suggests that it is the unexpressed anxiety felt by some men over women's ability to give birth, leading them to dominate women or driving them to succeed in order for their names to live on.[1] Horney claims that men experience womb envy more powerfully than women experience penis envy because 'men need to disparage women more than women need to disparage men'.[2]
Horney considers it likely that Womb envy is a psychosocial tendency, just as penis envy is, rather than a quality inherent in men.

I noticed two things from this passage. First, her name is Karen Horney!!! hahahahahaha!!!

Second, there is no mention of poop. But apparently "men need to disparage women more than women need to disparage men." BULLSHIT! Apparently Ms. (I'm assuming she's not married) Horney *snicker* has never had dinner at the Taylor house. Has she even seen Everybody Loves Raymond? I think not.

So we may never know why men are so proud of their turds. We do know that women will never understand it because they are stupid. I'm sorry I just can't myself, I really need to disparage women for some reason. I... must...oppress...women...

...Stupid Horney...

Wow, two posts in one day. That's what happens when you have 3 months of paid vacation I guess. I have GRE's in exactly two weeks, and I should be studying but I'm not. I wonder why that is. Is it because of my self destructive tendencies or is it just plain hubris? Let's let America decide!!! Yay!!!

"Probably the Best Superhero Comic in the Universe!"

2008-07-23T15:20:00.000-04:00

If you know me than you probably know that I am a big fan of comic books. If you didn't know this, now you do. In fact, I comics will probably be the most dominating topic in this blog. Some people may cringe at this, but the truth is you love it. Yes you do, admit it. A lot of people like to blow off comic books as being "funny books made for kids" and while some comic books do fall into this generalization, a large number of them don't. Actually there are comics that cover all the genres that movies do. While the most popular comics are the mainstream superhero books published by Marvel and DC, that is not all that's out there, and certainly not the best. Again, think in terms of movies. There are the big Hollywood blockbusters that, like popcorn for breakfast, are good at the moment but leave you feeling empty and hungry for more. Then there are the smaller independent films and the experimental mind-fuck films which really make you think. Comics are the same way. Now, this is not to say that Marvel and DC don't produce good books, cause they do, but you really have to sift through a large volume of "sales generating" crap to find the more original and inventive books.

Again, I'm going to talk about comics a lot in the future, and critiquing the industry is not my intention for this particular entry. If you are pretty clueless about comics (Kelly) and you have questions you want me to try to answer, feel free to ask them. In fact I am open to any suggestions as to what I should write about. Now, let's get back to the original topic. See that picture at the top rightof the screen, the one with the picture of the dude in the yellow mask? That's a zombie version of Invincible. Fuck yeah, Invincible!

Most people who do know me think that Spiderman is my favorite superhero. This is not true. In fact, I'm pretty much done with that guy. I liked the animated series from the nineties, my Grandma and I used to watch it every day after school. I'm not a big fan of the movies, and I always thought Tobey McGuire was a bad choice to play Peter Parker (it should have been Jake Gyllenhall from day one). As for the actual comic books, they are ridiculous. One More Day is a frickin joke. 'Nuff said. I do not want to start ranting about this now. But I will, oh I will. Watch your back, Quesada.

No, my favorite superhero is Invincible. Published by Image comics, written by Robert Kirkman, and penciled (that means drawn, Kelly) by Ryan Ottley, this book is made of pure awesome. On each cover it says "Probably the Best Superhero Comic in the Universe!" and it aint lyin'!

I first discovered this book when I was student teaching at a pretty wealthy high school in VT. Their library had a pretty extensive graphic novel section and they had the first few trades of Invincible. I had never heard of it, despite it having been out for a while. I borrowed the first two trades (each trade is a book that collect about six monthly issues, Kelly) and I thought they were pretty good, but the third trade was what hooked me for life. It got good. Really really good.

(English is OctoBoss' second language. Normally I don't condone making fun of people who are just trying to learn, but I have no sympathy for giant octopus terrorists.)

The main character of the book is Mark Grayson. He's a senior in high school in a world where superheroes are pretty commonplace, though not mundane. The best of these heroes happens to be his father, Omni-man. The book starts off when Mark is just starting to discover his own powers he's inherited from his father and decides to through his own hat in the superhero ring. Then stuff happens. Awesome stuff.

The thing about Invincible is that it pokes fun at superhero comics and the cliches that have become commonplace in them, while at the same time being a great comic in it's own right. Robert Kirkman is a fantastic writer and this is not the only book of his that I will be raving about (think zombies....). Each character he introduces throughout the series has his/her own voice and soon enough there's a large number of plotlines that he juggles expertly. Due to this, the book is hard to jump into in the middle of the series. Reading from issue 1 really is the best way to know and appreciate all the characters, though he has done a good job of making "jumping on points" for new readers. Ryan Ottley (and Cory Walker in the beginning) really makes this book beautiful to look at. From the large scale action scenes to the quiet character moments, the art never fails. I don't really have the words.... art = good.

I highly reccomend this book to anyone, even if you don't read comics. Heck,I own all the trades and I'll let you borrow them. If you don't want to keep reading after the third book, fine. You won't hear me say "I can't believe you don't like Invincible!" though I'll be thinking it.

If you're interested in this book at all there is something kinda neat I just discovered today. I've seen comic adaptations before, and they're pretty neat. They make mini movies out of pre-existing comics. They use images from the book but add voices, sound effects, and a little animation. The preview of the Invincible one can be found at http://www.invincibleseries.com/ . It's worth checking out.

Wow, that's a lot of writing about a comic book. If you're still with me, thanks and I'm sorry about the lack of funny. I did not make fun of Quebec today so that province can breathe easy for now... Instead I will leave you with a zombie joke:

Two zombies and a barman go into a bar.

The first zombie says to the other zombie, "Graaaghaa haarann margahhaa naaarrrrrrgnn!"

The other zombie says "Hrraaaaa Maggaa GRAMMA GRAMMA bargh nrrrrhr!"

And then they eat the barman.

I can't believe you don't like...

2008-07-21T16:08:00.000-04:00

Like any normal person, I likes what I like. I have opinions about everything from movies to yogurt flavors. I understand that my opinions aren't shared by everybody and that's ok. In fact, that's a very good thing. Life would be no fun if everybody liked and disliked the same exact things (just look at Quebec).

Apparently, there are certain things that no one is allowed to dislike. You know what I'm talking about. "I can't believe you don't like [insert hyped up reference here]!" We've all been victims of this and most of us have probably been guilty of it. Well, it pisses me off! What, am I some kind of freak because I found Gone With the Wind boring? I'm not a true Vermonter because I hate skiing? Screw that. This is America and I can feel what I want to do! (Italics indicate angry and indignant hick twang). __________ (frankly, I really don't give a damn!)

The most recent example of this that I've encountered is The Dark Knight. Personally, I loved this movie. I plan on writing an actual review on it later (maybe). There's a website I visit where four reviews gave their opinions on the movie. Two reviewers gave it 5 (out of 5) bullets, one gave it 4.5 bullets, and one gave it 2 bullets. The reaction to the 2 bullets is what sparked this little rant. "How could you not like this movie??" "This was the best comic book movie ever!!" The guy wrote his reasons for not liking the movie and he supported his reasoning. Enough said.

This brings me to another point, not being allowed to dislike dead people. Now, I'm not promoting speaking ill of the dead by any means. I appreciate having respect for the deceased. That being said, if a jerk dies, he was still a jerk when he was alive. If a bad actor dies, he was still a bad actor when he was alive. As for Heath Ledger, I thought he was a fantastic actor and I've thought so since 10 Things I Hate About You. I was genuinely upset when he died because he was one young actor that I really had high hopes for. For the record, I thought he was fantastic Joker and he really made that movie for me. He was a much better Joker than Jack Nicholson ("How can you say that?? Jack was the original!!") As much as I loved his performance, I'm not going to crucify you for not liking it. Furthermore, I find it very hard to believe that there would be Oscar talk if Heath were still alive. But there is. And maybe it's deserved, I don't know, I'm not in the "academy". Has an actor or actress in a comic book movie ever been nominated for an Oscar? That's a genuine question, I'm too lazy to look it up.

I did not intend to turn this into a post about Heath Ledger. This is a post about the freedom of opinion. Unfortunately I share the general "hyped-up" opinion about The Dark Knight and Heath Ledger's performance, so my point may fall flat, but if you do not share that opinion, feel free to say so and you will not get any grief from me.

Well, original plan was to make a list of things that generally get a "I can't believe you didn't like..." reaction in the face of criticism. Unfortunately, I can't really think of a lot of examples right now so I'm going to make a tentative list that can be added to in the future. Feel free to give me some input. This is not a list of things I don't like. In fact I'm a fan of most of this stuff. But if I wasn't, what's it to you?

I Can't Believe You Don't Like...

Gone With the Wind (see above)
James Bond
Elvis
The Simpsons
Lord of the Rings (book and movie)
Harry Potter (books)
The Beatles
Mother Theresa
Christmas
Nirvana
Mr. Willis
Oreos
Watchmen (comic)
Michael Keaton as Batman
Tom Hanks
Bob Marley (thanks Emma)

Prologue...

2008-07-20T13:21:00.000-04:00

This blog will have no clear, defined purpose. I have random thoughts filling my brain and this is a place to put those thoughts. Parts of my brain go here, zombies eat brains, hence the title. Pretty clever, eh? That is just a morsel of the cleverness to come. Or that could be all I got...